Courage, Confidence or Crap

Tonight I am awarding myself with the Mediocre Mom award. It's the prize you give yourself when:

• your kid has been home sick and plugged into an electronic device instead of being given any real loving attention.  
• you've been on the phone most of the day, mostly catching up with friends about the confusion you are suffering under after a magical whirlwind weekend that your to-do list couldn't accommodate. 
• You impatiently sprinkle lavender on the pillow and sent the poor kiddo to sleep with a YouTube meditation
• Barely make it to your laptop, glass of grapes in hand, only to find out the Internet is broken because EVERYBODY is trying to stream the season premiere of SCANDAL.

I try not to down the wine like it's last call and give up on the streaming. The soft frustrated teary sniffles of the kiddo summon me. Off of the elliptical (everybody streams TV with wine and a workout, right?), and I report for duty. She cries it out, I suck it up and before you know it, she is super snoozing.

I've got a Godzillion things I could do and be productive or creative or both. But I don't wanna. Getting shit done is not compelling to me tonight. I'm fucking drained. I'm spread thin and flavorless like ketchup and water passing as soup. Long story short- I have to admit that I am keeping myself busy, engaging in fabulous, rewarding, smart-as-shit activities and adventures to be a good mom, a good steward, a good daughter, a good friend, a good employee, while building a handful of careers and feeding my soul with creative pursuits and magic as often as possible- to avoid the potential for finding myself lonely. The rub is that given the opportunity to connect on an adult level, let alone an an intimate sense - I'm burnt. I'm running on cheap fuel and it's low at that. My energy is being rationed.  

Like most red blooded humans with more social media accounts than fingers,  I consume the prayerful, grateful, motivating media so I know what to do: eat organic, run, surf, pray, ask the universe for whatever you want and get over yourself and get out of the way. Guess what? That shit takes time, more than that it requires focus and attention. I'll get to it, just not today.

Thanks for reading all the way through this excuse to feed two birds with one worm - writing and whining with wine.

Things I Said... Things I'll Do

When Mama was still a new name for me, I planned (based on how awesome my nephew was as a 2nd grader) to take a year off and travel the world with my daughter. I would have the money saved, we would put lie as lived it day to day on ice and hit the road!



This wasn't an original idea for me, this plan to go east in order to land west. I had first laid the ground work for it in the months before I found myself pregnant...I'd had it all worked out: I would buy a Ducati Monster (I was really hot for the Uma Thurman in Kill Bill II look), haul ass across the lower 48 then grow wings with an around the world airfare from JFK. I would globe-trot across Europe, the Middle East and Asia before I landed in Sydney where I had visions riding off into the sunset as an expat adventurer. Oh no, no, no... Apparently the Fates had other plans...

For me, taking on the title of Mama included potentially rearranging my dreams, not abandoning them. So world travel would require additional funding to cover the cost of my traveling companion. The good news is that my Daredevil Daughter adores traveling and has a talent for it.  At 17 months old she was a champ when a code red terrorist alert cancelled our transatlantic flight, forcing me to strong arm (verbally, of course) an airline employee into rescheduling us on another airline flying into a Heathrow that was closed save for the tents and toilets accommodating thousands of stranded travelers. Still not 10 years old and she's weathered multiple long hauls, red eyes, rushed transfers and the self-righteous with the aplomb of one far older. Next month she will take her first flight as an unaccompanied minor. She was shining star when I gave her Street Cred 101 as we walked through Hell's Kitchen at dusk, so I am sure she won't have any problems.
The best news is that she is every but as awesome as my nephew when he was a kiddo. This eliminates the first obstacle to my double top not so secret plan for us to touch as many spots on the globe as possible. How much it really cost? How many places can we land and not have to spend on accommodation? How do we manage in undeveloped areas as a single mom with a girl?

What do you think? Where would you go? Where would you stay?