If You Can't Run In It, Don't Put It On Your Feet: Another Keep On Pushin' Story

”What I feel about that iconic status is it takes a lot longer to achieve if you keep your clothes on than off,” 54-year-old punk pioneer Exene Cervenka says. “I just worked hard and quietly did my art.”

 Thanks to my friend Eric Dinwiddie for posting the article on Exene Cervenka. I don't know how long it has been since I played any "X" and I never knew that she was born Christine and took on Exene- I can testify that she was and now that I am 'caught-up', continues to be a major influence.

Background: during the early 90's I missed most of the pop music and opted for anything that was never gonna make mainstream radio waves. At home we were pretty religious about our music and movies all opening with a scratch and a hiss (vinyl spinning) or a crank and a crackle (film projecting). Jim Nabors, Nancy Sinatra, the Butthole Surfers, The Young Gods, The Didgits and yes, X. Madonna, Prince and Michael Jackson had all abandoned the gifts that introduced us and were fully and obviously compensating for some long ago love lost- I've never been a fan of the LOOK AT ME! campaign, still can't stomach the pain driven pathos that leads folks to seek (spot)light.

I digress! The article on Exene hit home with me-- her art for art's sake, hard work and rocking to rally and really reach her fan base and move people meanwhile not that far away in her conscious intention she is pushing women and people to think think think- think about the clothes you're wearing and question- why do you want to look like a whore? why is this okay?

Why do we want the spotlight so badly? One of my favorite people in the whole wide world, someone I consider family had celebrity status imposed on her. She has enjoyed it, benefited by it and suffered for it, as have those closest to her. Regardless of the numbers or hungry fan-base, like Exene, she works hard and remains committed, refusing to compromise her art.

This resonates with me not only as an artist, a writer and a filmmaker, but I rely on my voice to make a living in marketing and publicity. The lines can get blurred and I must maintain a direct connection to my gut lest I fall prey to the irresistible glory of fame- success's ugly and infernal twin. Recently I dodged a bullet and my strategy of implanting in the belly of the film business beast was derailed- I was doing it for all the right reasons, but in the end my GUT and circumstance acted as an invisible electrified fence- scorching me before I could call Hollywood home. As a result I am regaining my ground, have FINALLY found love and feel like I am getting my sea legs with the writing. Right now I am working my ass off to "try not to resist to change...you're still becoming." (thanks Jan! You rock!)

To wrap it all up in a tidy package- I can't run if I'm trying to wear somebody else's shoes and you can't hear my stories if I'm speaking to some elusive spotlight. Like Exene's enthusiasm for touring from record store to record store and playing during the day where people bring their kids because they understand her value as an artist and a voice; where girls are excited because they can actually go to a show-- and HEAR her words. That's what moves people
to move the world in a different and better direction- and that's why I do what I do- all of it- the work and the art- to make sure the media and the message make it intact.

Writer DNA: Fran Lebowitz

"I've never met anyone who even comes close to me in laziness. I would have made a perfect heiress. I enjoy lounging. And reading. The other problem I have is fear of writing. The act of writing puts you in confrontation with yourself, which is why I think writers assiduously avoid writing. The number of alcoholic writers makes a lot of sense because if you're going to be face to face with yourself, maybe it's better that you don't recognize that person."

I couldn't turn the Charlie Rose interview with Fran Lebowitz off. Exhaustion from a fantabulous holiday wiped my memory of whether or not I have even read her work, or if I just know that I'm supposed to listen to what she says. No wonder I watch and absorb her words-- she goes on about the need to be around people and in the world and engaging in the conversation that is democracy, cultural, political, personal and on...but when you're lazy and afraid- smoking and parties are the rooms other that the one accommodating all of the stuff you don't want to deal with-- she also calls hers the writing room. 

she also mentioned being afraid. a fear so intense that it remains invisible and anonymous- the unmentionable that you carry like a layer deep or two rash. all just an itch that's coming up from inside you-- hives perhaps. 


these interviews always leave me with the same feeling i get from watching a suspenseful TV show or movie- the most obvious information that might make a difference is always omitted, skipped, or avoided. or am I the dunce missing something...how did she manage to survive through a writing blockade of Viet Nam war proportions? 


tell me if you know and I'm missing something. I always wonder if there is a Bank of Social Icon- not celebrity- that gets tarnished and spoils but iconography- certainly there is a credit union? I get it but want to know, where do the checks come from?

  a Scorcese docu: PUBLICLY SPEAKING. hm.

40 Crazy Ass Things-

At the 40 day count down to 40 years old, once suggestion was "do 40 crazy ass things".  Immediately I thought that my 40 crazy ass things at 40 years old would likely surprise some, though not those who know me...

I will start here...
#1- I am so EXCITED and have been looking forward to turning 40 years old for a while. I am a real believer in trying things on- giving the experience a go- my 20's and 30's were chock full of learning. Lots of lessons I have no interest in revisiting let alone repeating. I am always puzzled when people dismiss the turn of a decade and favor looking back and even returning to some folly filled youth- yes the FUN is all caps in my mind, but dang I just don't want to do all that again. Like Yates said- "Youth is wasted on the young." I want to get my WISE on! and I think that 40 is exactly the sweet spot- old enough to know and young enough to approach and execute with skill.

#2- I've spent so much of my life holding the 'high' as a standard, and too often settling for some incomparable low as a challenge to be overcome- I'm grooming an awareness and appreciation for the view from the ground. Digging on the sensation of life locomotion from a well situated center of gravity, albeit the '60's styling and handling of a '67 427 Ford Shelby Cobra, but even a machine of that magnitude (or even a Sunbeam Tiger...) has a specific relationship with the ground and can only move as fast as its flow.
#3- Starting where I am. I am generally some combination of distracted (see previous blog post) and excited, enthusiastic and effusive- like the new 7UP ads "ridiculously bubbly"- - effervescence with a bite. I'm embracing the sprint- using it to my advantage as much as possible. Keeping to what's in front of me, anchoring on it and building from those moments in rather than bemoaning the spin off my rocker- #2 is helping a lot.

#4 I'm not just listening, I am hearing- without the excitable violins playing and the missing my cues because of the weight of the chip on my shoulder or the shadow cast by an rotten egg past. Hearing me, hearing you and soaking it up and

#5 giving it a space to pass through and wringing it out and writing about it- more than running my mouth and spewing the stories my heart is all pitter pat to write. because I also freaked out that maybe i have a finite amount of words and the last place they will shine is on Facebook, Twitter or me running my mouth.

that's all for now, more later- attention span got the best of me... maybe i'll crack a 40 and laugh...

curiouser and curiouser

Creative curiosity conundrum of Kriz number 947,252,3845,957.

Unmatched curiosity and like a 7 Up! ridiculously bubbly thinking excitement about being creative and digging into all the myriad minutiae (oh wow I spelled that right the first time!) and making things happen. Building stuff out of ideas and images and sounds and conversations and bringing people and concepts and art and moments together and OH! LOOK! It's a monkey on a goat!

So this is a pretty rad way to be. BUT where the good golly am I going to find/make/create/allot/organize/sort/determine/unleash/discover/schedule/organize/focus the time to experience/enjoy/execute without diluting or tempting the fate as a dilettante. 

the writing of this blog entry also behind the scenes included 2 anecdotes, three texts, 1 voice mail, two nutrition negligible snacks and tucking a magic 5 year old back into bed.

Easily distracted with far too little interest in the mundane maintenance required to run shit.

speed of life

some bundled moments are so weighty with significance that they pull you into their rhythm. The velocity match, the adjusted atmosphere brings details, subtle facts & specifically pronounced nuances from their patient waiting posture into technicolor vibrance, etched on to the recesses of your spirit fiber, imposing new balance on your daily locomotion-- if you surrender your intention and pay attention.

my daughter is having a surgery soon. I've come close to saying good-byes that seem premature and feel others impending as part of the course. meanwhile, embracing the treasures littered in right now.

can't wait to get outside in the autumn with my girl and the family we have created. nothing like this love.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Job. My Job.

There are so many different schools of creative thought. How do you do it? Where does it come from? Is it talent? Is it a gift? Is it about the audience or the work or the product or what?
I was given a gift today by a believer- I say believer because it's the belief that something exists that sparks the process that results in the creative product.

This gift was a TED talk by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am a fan of hers, and now you could call me a disciple. She preached a creative doctrine that did not just speak to me as a message, it summed up my essence in such a way that I felt understood and an understanding of myself that happens only when I am traversing a precipice, active and conscious of stepping from one evolutionary lily-pad to the next. It has happened before- and like Elizabeth Gilbert, one of these was with Tom Waits... but that's a different story...

so just like when my mentor and inspiration on legs Terry McMillan gave me Po Bronson's WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE? years ago, I watched this Ted talk and felt acknowledgment and reinforcement and understanding sitting side by side next to my muse. In their laps were all of the puzzle pieces for me to assemble the who, what, where, why and how and even the how much of my creative process. 

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

It's no accident that a favorite show of mine- 6 FEET UNDER - Alan Ball of course, spoke to me in one of the final episodes where Claire was directed from beyond the grave to tune out the static and hear the message. Life happens, incessant  drama, rife with clutter and daily messes tugging and dictating and demanding we parcel our hearts and minds out to tackle every little thing to make our moments just so. It's part of my job to say no thank you. I have a date with my muse. I am committed to come correct and bring it, every time. You never know when the visit will be elevated by transcendent magic and effervescence or just something else, sometimes resulting in also terrible.  You don't get to know in advance. It makes sense in the rear view mirror. Like my dad always says- the hardest part is showing up.

spin cycle

I was never what you would call a great surfer and I haven't done it in years. But it's one of those things i can't wait to do again, wish i could do it all the time and can't imagine not doing it ever again. My romantic life has played out a lot like my not so illustrious surfing career.

It all starts with cool gear and a plan to get out there and ride those waves! Suited up you work and work to paddle out, get past the break. Then you sit. You wait until the right wave comes along and BAZAM! You paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle and stand up at just the right time to take your place in the sweet spot, riding all the way in to the beach, breathless and exhilarated because there is nothing else like it in the world.

Except more often than not the waves looked one way when i started to paddle out, I was dizzy from not being in surf ready shape by the time i got past the break and then anxious about whether or not that was a fin in the distance and if something just touched me i should ignore it because i couldn't do anything about it anyway. Wait for the right wave and the magic will sail in on magic... BUT NO! Not unlike my forays into the world of dating and romance- instead of diligent effort floating me in on a wave of magic, I paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle and end up on the wrong wave, wipe out in the messy white wash and get tossed around in the spin cycle of waves that were not nearly that big when I paddled out.


It's probably a good thing I don't have a surfboard or a wetsuit. There hasn't been much summer to speak of so...So here I am waiting for the season to come around again while i get myself in shape. It's not easy because even though i haven't been out that far that many times, once it's in you, it's there. The next opportunity to paddle out may not be for awhile- I'm not exactly actively engaged in wave watching, honestly still getting have wobbly sea legs over my last time out, I was trying to stand up on my board when the waves were really better for freestyle body surfing.

I'm convinced there are some decent waves out there, right for me to ride in on, once I'm in the right shape, with the right board and suit to make it all happen. Meanwhile, living through the days until the next season are the only way through it. There is plenty to do-- the magic is worth it. 

Happy Birthday...to me?

Today being the day it is reminds me of a weekend rendezvous in Seattle, March 2004 to be precise. It was a simple few days, movies, more than one which was great- blockbusters but it was all good. Walking around, not holding hands though I really wanted to and other seeming complications that were overlooked and music, dancing to a New Orleans band- magic. Most i remember enjoying the moment because to see him that weekend at all was crazy, to see him again, was going to be a miracle.

Long story short, this weekend I got closer to someone than I ever have, without giving it all away an ruining it with some toxic expectation that turns into a habit that skews and skewers the parties involved. All that to say there was conversation and love and fun and just damn it is was ALL GOOD. I left that weekend so electric and activated that nothing else mattered.

The result was saving money. Finally working freelance and planning my trip around the world! Buying a motorcycle! Writing/directing/producing a stage play in the SF Fringe festival! Well, I got as far as the helmet when all of this self-activation crested...and my 'I don't need anyone because I'm good with me!" was confronted...I was pregnant!

I haven't seen him since- but i think about him sometimes- especially when i want to remember a time when i was my favorite self and somebody else recognized and acknowledged it...and it never had the chance to get rotten.

to that end i'm grateful for the phenomenon of muscle memory. I know that that i'm in me. i'm in training to own it again. in fact the universe has seen fit to put me right back to my roots- the same place before i've launched a few practice runs of whole self activation...this time it will be getting for good... stay tuned. I'm working it out.

Remembering Promises- a fable

Once upon a time there was a writer who had a tendency to get all twisted up. It seemed as if she was attracted to spiderwebs and could not resist getting herself. Rather than come upon one, admire the craft and beauty of it, then walk away, she compulsively inserted herself where she did not belong, and was not wanted.

Long story short, this girl had a platinum heart- precious and heavy and fragile. It was such a fabulous burden to tote around, she was nearly desperate to find someone to share with. But instead of doing as she was instructed and had pledged many moons ago- to find a suitable partner once she had established its true worth. The silly girl kept on going out there and wooing seeming suitors to her aid. As she herself had not determined the real value, she could not communicate it or convince others of it. Nobody really wanted it.

Finally, she grew weary chasing after another somebody who was not interested and had no safe place for her heart to rest. She took to back to the road, on her own, to get reacquainted with the space that her own long and lonely shadow cast on the path forward. The pain of occupying her own space after sharing with one who saw her heart as she hoped it would be seen, was exquisite. Time being the only antidote for such a wilted spirit, she set about filling up the vast expanses between minutes that would finally assemble to form a day. Here her faerie queen godmother came to her with the reminder of her pledge. That the heart would grow lighter and be suited to sharing once its value could be measured. This was the ray of light the girl needed, without delay she put her heart to the task at hand- writing from her heart in order to tell the tales and walk the miles...

Easily Distracted

Here at the SF Writer's Grotto. I'm sure I already said that in a few places but it's a great source of inspiration for me. One of my very most favoritest writers has an office AROUND THE CORNER and by that I mean in the same building- Po Bronson, whose book WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE changed everything for me. It was the fertilizer that helped me drop my figurative balls and decide that damn it, I am a writer.

So here I am trying to use this blog as a tool to harness my focus. I've got real problems people- as in be careful what you wish for types of issues. Yes, I have more to write than the sands in the hourglass and the words willing to evacuate my brain will accommodate. Kinda.

Stay tuned. Terry McMillan is about to launch within the week. Truth in Numbers is a happening thing. even good old Lamorinda Appliance Service, Inc. lives and breathes. There is the new media venture with promising promise MEDIA UNDER THE INFLUENCE... but most important is Smoke and Mirrors rounding the next bend and tada! it's a procedural! It's its own show- Entourage can piss up a rope as the misogynist narcissist gangs that dominate the airwaves get enough time- time to deconstruct and reconstruct our ideas about such trends...

i digress...it's great to be focusing on my own work, lassoing so to speak where i put my energy. enjoying the space i'm in and what i have here... not worrying what i don't and where i'm not and who isn't. with so many fab folks here, my heart is doing just fine. it will all make sense in the rear view mirror.

Catch Up: self indulgence warning issued

Not sure of the exact numbers but we are way up on our water- Spring came and went with a lot of rain. We are now breaking records for the coldest summer in at least 40 years- that surpasses all of the years I can claim, so there you go.

All of this to say, yup, me too. Try as I might, there was no real escape from the elements- rainy days and a cold heart have come to roost. I made attempts to boost outta this mess - plans to relocate to LA, placing my eggs in the wrong baskets and hanging my heart on the wrong hook- just a few of the places I misplaced my precious focus, energy and efforts.

So here I am feasting on HUMBLE PIE ALA MODE. While each activity served its purpose, the karma came quick with lessons about tending to the present moment, loving what you have and having what you love and accepting time in the questions. I could go on about gratitude and expectations and the dangers of men who walk with a limp and like it, but that's not the point. I've got my heart back, it's propped up here on the desk next to the clock that is ticking down the time I have to actually create something.

The cool thing is I am at the SF Writer's Grotto. A place I have always dreamed of working in. Granted I am subletting space for a limited time, but there is nothing like being somewhere you always wanted to be. It's a great reminder of the power of magic. I tend to suffer from amnesia, but that's another blog post.

I'm trying new things in the interest of getting new results. I'm not moving to LA. I'm not sticking with the same old people who are not feeding my soul but feasting on it. I am putting it out there and meeting new people. I am approaching my days armed with what I want and not what I think I can get. While I'm purging cliches I'll even say I'm planting as many steps as possible with specific intentions in the effort of becoming who I always wanted to be. Sitting here and writing is a fabulous beginning.

Enough taking care and prioritizing everybody else. That is sooo last lifetime.

Two Women Walk Into a Frame...

do they have names? do they talk about something other than a man? if they do, do you care anymore? would you be more intrigued if they were raped or their only driving force was / is elevating the 'hero'? are you dismissing me as a ranting feminist who should be LALALALALALALALLA tuned out?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLF6sAAMb4s&feature=player_embedded

i read this article and the comments- it really spoke not only to why I think that me putting anything remotely intelligent or entertaining on the screen, or at least helping it get there is crucial, but it made me kinda mad.

http://johnaugust.com/archives/2010/women-in-film

This is not about being feminist, at least not to me, as if that is such a bad thing anyway? Rather it's about why didn't you save a seat for me? Why do I have to be second class or chattel or only as important and valuable as your whims, wants or willie deem me to be? I will go out on a limb here and say it's not so far from how not white folks feel and have felt for ages. The real kicker is that women still sit in the back of the pimp bus. great.

But i'm not whining! I'm writing, raising money and changing things. So NOW!

time keeps on slipping slipping into

the ether. i've got so many irons in the fire it's barely conceivable. here i am spending another afternoon at my favorite cafe FOUR CORNERS in Albany as writing at home (home, brought to you by the parents, more on that later) is not going to happen with so many people and all of their stuff and stuff they are doing overlapping. yes folks I have a web content development gig (terrymcmillan.com) going on, movie marketing (shecriesyoudie.com) writing a TV pilot (smokeandmirrorstv.com)for a table read Thursday and pitching in LA next week. There are also a couple of docs and 2 or 3 other screenplay ideas in some stage of development and a fabulous career changing barter going on with Ellen Sandler (sandlerink.com), plus the bookkeeping I do for my dad's business. 

Like a mother with too many children and little capacity or skill to communicate the need or type of help that might be helpful, I juggle them all watching my hopes for exercise, eating well and moments of solitude (love? leisure? laziness? somebody elses luxuries to be sure) slip away like an interrupted dream. 

A woman and her two kids just passed by the window decked in hipster fashion finery and equipment. It really made me miss my baby Xoxa. yeah I know she is a feisty and fabulous 5 years old, but that doesn't mean i don't wish we had more time just me and her, to chill and enjoy each other like we did when we had our own space. she loves her grandparents and we will be on our own soon enough. it won't be like this for very long (in fact this BROKE and UNDEREMPLOYED bullshit has been stale for more than a minute too long) in fact it's changing every minute. I really want the shoe on the other foot already. I want to enjoy my parents, not feel like crap-ola because despite my best efforts i need their help. 

It does help that i know i'm not alone. I count my blessings and make sure my daughter feels loved. then i work some more.  

opening up to reveal the ineffable - read it all b/c it's real & good & real good!

I am a huge fan of Producer Mark Lipsky's blog

http://incitecinema.com/blog/

It's just what a blog should be: quick, well written and full of contagious energy. It's become my daily affirmation. It's as if I have been introduced to a kindred spirit who is not flaky or pretentious or worried- it's the abundance that keeps it alive and pushes us to make art by any means necessary. his messages are all about it can be done and it's done all the time and let's do it not because it's cool but because you know you can't do anything else.

I really wanted to do what I thought was the right thing and move to Portland (one of my favorite cities of all time) to raise my daughter in a warm and open community as a writer. Somehow the invisible force field that the universe erects when you approach an other path didn't sanction it. then one day I tried on the idea of actually actively pursuing my lifelong dream of making movies- not just writing and offering my words for the world to absorb (i have no illusions that a lot of what i will create in my tenure as an artist will no be enjoyable so absorb stands) rather i want to MAKE something. I have never really wanted anything so badly in my life- not even true love as I would forgo romance and a secure partnership to make art- sorry fellas! my oldest friends are grateful that i am making the leap into the visions that were held hostage in my heart for so long... and funny but the universe has obliged me with Ruby slippers (I know in the book they were originally silver- i'm talking cinema here, a'ight?) to skip along down to LA LA land where I can hustle under the Hollywood sign along with the best of them. Turns out this is the best thing for Xoxa too because a heart happy mama is a good mama.

and now, Goethe...

———————————–
Until one is committed,
there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you can do
or dream you can,
begin it.
Boldness has genius,
power and magic in it.
Begin it now.
-Goethe

Player Playing

"You are a player in this rigorous game of living . . .
The first rule is: every player dies;
none know when it's coming . . . Everyone has to play.
The game goes on forever - or until you win.
You win by finding death before it finds you.
The prize - is life."
- Barry Long"

more on this to come!

butt glue with all my heart

The rules are there for a reason.  Once you get over the feeling of being confined by these rules , you'll be amazed at how freeing they are. True originality cannot begin until you know what you are breaking away from. - Blake Snyder

I'm sure I am not alone when I confess to being a distracted development junkie. It's the safe place that feels productive. It's getting to know people before you commit to them. or even getting to know them so that you can love them and leave them without putting your own heart on the block. But this is writing i'm talking about. Not short stories or a novel (yes, there is a composition book stacked somewhere with the seeds of one or three of those between the covers) where you not only start them but you carve them out of the tallest trees and make them walk like your very own family of Pinocchios. I don't pretend to be some sort of prolific wordsmith Danielle Steele with billions of published words to my credit but I have written lots whether anybody has read it or not is a different story (hardee har har couldn't resist- after all I am procrastinating here).

I am bouncing around between at least 3 or 4 great ideas: a TV show and 4 screenplays (1 action, 1 dark comedy, 1 dark rom-com and another deep dark-type). So here I am trying to decide which will get my attention. I've done the most on the TV show, but the action is really moving along pretty well too.

Time to flip a coin. I have strong nods of enthusiastic approval on the proposals I've submitted- waiting for them to SHOW ME THE MONEY! Until then it's clean up and catch up time before I get absorbed in work (yay! I do love what I do, when I can do it- there is nothing like bringing ideas to life, no wonder i'm a good mom- it's kinda the same thing) so i need to get my writing schedule, make my commitments before life makes them for me. Life will always insist, but the writing always does too. The magic is in surrendering to the moments with all my heart- like a fabulous romance- sometimes the most true love lasts under 100 hours...

i know what i'm gonna work on...so ciao for now, my lover calls...he is in prison. i'm learning he's a good guy, i just hope we have time before it's too late...

naming my company

so i just wanted to throw  few names out there...tell me what you think and why. if you have a better name- send it. you will be rewarded...

fortunate mistress media

mad fortune media

muchness media

abundant muchness media

i love cake productions (that is Xoxa's idea)

buttoned up media


bring it folks! 

my first time

of course i will still write a novel or 9 and some short stories, every few months or so...blogging is to writing as a walk is to working out- i do it all the time, physical engagement and exertion but with drastically different expectations and results.

so i have no business blogging right now- I am on limited time at the WGA Foundation library- in the Billy Wilder reading room. I have copies of the pilot scripts for CALIFORNICATION and 30 ROCK in my hands. Feels like home.

Part of me smirks at the thought of sharing this- it's like gossiping with an infinite amount of friends and strangers about my 'first time'. though this is kind of cooler, with the exception that it took me so damned long to get here, and only a limited number of folks will understand the rush, the ooooh that's nice, yeah- don't stop feeling of being here.

of course that feeling may very well wear off sooner than later and this building will become a work space, a place where i file paperwork or give talks or who knows what- just another reference building- just like Alec Baldwin said in John Hughes classic SHE'S HAVING A BABY, " You'll be happy- you just won't know it." i hope i do. i think i will. doesn't matter. i'm here.

Trying to get Preparation and Opportunity together

It is not an equitable world when it comes to talent and the dispensation of luck. - Amy Tan

I have been more than lucky. I am pushing forward up up and away from my comfort zone and the encouraging embrace of my inner circle in order to do justice to the luck I have been blessed by. I hope I am working hard enough. I have some pretty good connections. I have some talent (or so I have been told and encouraged by folks who love me yes, know what they are talking about, yes, blow sunshine- not so much!) not to mention the most important pieces - passion, creativity and drive. I can feel the dreams realized in my bones- there is not a breath i take that doesn't have some frame of a dream flavoring it. 


I dream of the creativity that rumbles in my belly and spins whirling dervish style in my brain exploding onto 16mm celluloid (it's where I started in film and how Kathryn Bigelow shot THE HURT LOCKER, which makes me love her more) and bound pages and screens both theatrical and home. I dream of Independent Spirit Awards and bios that are a full page of world improving, life affirming accomplishments and only a gratuitous sentence or two about me personally.

but i digress. I want to work hard enough to sweat it out into reality. for all the nights my dreams will keep me away from putting my dearest darling daughter to bed singing the ABC's and Twinkle, Twinkle- I want them to be worth it- to give her an example of discipline not drama, passion not pettiness, courage not cattiness and dreams advanced, not deferred.  


Back to the day's creative goals.

Lenten Update - argh

It's not easy resisting the social networking. In fact for work I can't give it up altogether. As soon as I decided to reroute my attention flow, wouldn't you know it- one of my favorite people, a mentor and prominent, accomplished, inspiring writer (you can guess but said person shall remain nameless, cuz that's how i roll here) reaches out and asks for my expertise and input on social networking. "Ha", says the universe! You will not be totally unplugging after all!

So I have in fact answered some emails, updated some fan pages (facebook.com/smokeandmirrorstv facebook.com/msterrymcmillan facebook.com/silverheartproductions ) and started the Foursquare! ball rolling. I have also had some issues getting my blogs - It's Wonderful Being a Girl or SV Moms to feed to twitter and Facebook. I have even been rerouted by the evil Facebook demons to my FB home page where I have encountered things not just garden-variety distracting but down right annoying. Simply stated- I am staying as strong as I can in my pledge to not surrender energy and time to the Facecrack time suck- but between you and me- I think the damn thing has what I have called for years "A Little Guy" in there that knows exactly what will derail me. Is this an algorithmic coincidence? Am I just weak or my ADD more deeply hard wired than I thought?

I will continue to do my best to do my duty to my deadlines and my spirit- and grow some muscles for resisting in the process. Meanwhile I do walk around and experience a fabulous and full life that is often punctuated by things that would be a good tweet or a status update- argh- and i resist or I blog. With so much writing, packing, Momming and networking to do- who has time for the rarely satisfying Facecrack? I don't.

My Next Husband

If there were a little more silence, if we all kept quiet...maybe we could understand something."
-Federico Fellini

My crush on Ryan Gosling just went the next step. He has an elegant courage, a special kind of bravery in his approach, in his getting naked, in his breathing- the fact that he gets naked in all kinds of ways- well, it's really what i think it's all about. it's really all i require. no more no less.

It's also my favorite kind of movie where all of the damage is exposed, we all know it's there but instead of getting a rash about it everybody gets together and lets it come out.

I have only ever dreamed about a place where you could let it go so far that nobody was so sad or sick or damaged or unsure that that the couldn't or wouldn't help you get to the other side. In my experience there is enough superb love that you keep trying, but so often the rub is uncomfortable enough that it sends you packing back to the hinge in your shell to recuperate until either you forgot because the burn had healed or staying lost its freshness.

I figure if I got to do much more than taste that place, I might not get anything done. The creative and driven patches in my skin might not itch anymore. I have always suspected that the gaze of the truest lasting love with be so hypnotic - so fabulous and overwhelming that i would surrender, i would drink the punch (scratcch that- even if i smile and take a deep fantastic breath- i still see me pouring the punch. Devil is in the details). and right now I have way too much to do to be pouring punch! In fact I'm gonna go to sleep because my little 5 year old dream boat and I have a stormy day inside watching movies and writing planned for tomorrow. I think it will have french toast and fish fingers too. yay.  

hey you guys!

Wow. so much going on. My whole house is packed up like crazy as i sort through things- sometimes with a snarky grin- haha you aren't coming with us! I smirk at the inanimate objects that i allowed into my life. It's cleansing. It's a real hassle and I cannot wait until...

the temptation to fast forward through the months Xoxa and I will spend at my parents' house (Oy!) and get into the fun of reinventing myself in Hollywood at the end of summer. I am not looking forward to it- I am firm believer that I can not and should not ever try to go home again- well as soon as I got over the fact that it is the house i grew up in but not even remotely home- well it was slightly more palatable. It's not like we don't have other places to go- it's that this is what is best for Xoxa. She will get the Mimi and Bibi (grandma and grandpa to her) time that will also include sleepovers with cousins, aunts, uncles, her two dogs, while affording mama the chance to clean up, clear out and cultivate the arsenal of creative material required to make a proper kriz bell style splash in LA LALA.

so if you got this far and you are a fan- hell if you are even marginally annoyed and stayed this long- pretty please go the blog itself and follow or leave a clever comment. believe it or not your kinds words help me to make more...

www.wonderfulbeingagirl.blogspot.com

thanks. you rock!

Happy Valentine's Day - late, I know...caution, there's some ramblin' rockin' through here!

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Marilyn Monroe

 

This was my gift to myself as a single woman on my own for Valentine's Day. I enjoyed the day with two dear long time friends, having fun with fancy food. I don't have memories of a Valentine's day that met the marketing industry ideal, or even mine for that matter - exclusive, special, hand holding, eye gazing with reflections of mutual beautiful memories bouncing back and forth in the laughter that decorates the fabulous dinner just yards away from crashing ocean waves... nope I haven't given this ANY thought at all.

I imagine the MAD MEN episode where Marilyn dies was accurate in its depiction of a devastating loss, though few were even casually acquainted with her. For me, especially seeing new photos resurrected of her reading James Joyce-- whatever it was, her quote above really says it all to me. Sometimes you do what you do because you can count on it changing and it's the best option at the time. You don't always get to know if it's a reason, a season or a lifetime. Things change no matter what, and you adjust. And then when you are acclimated to the latest atmosphere- it will change again. Nothing like a few good cliches to explain the truth of the human experience- the roughest roads often lead to the best views seen with the strongest eyes and it all makes sense in the rear view mirror.

Finally, watching the Olympics, the athletes all have this look in their eyes and make me think that they made decisions with their lives, their careers that few would make. It is what it is. People talk about things. People think about things. And then feelings and behavior get stirred into the mix-- well that's when you can pull the safety bar over your head, hear the gears engage and know that the roller coaster you wish was just for movies or somebody else's life is going to take another spin

Now, Voyager- a Real Trip Nowhere, Now Here...

Saturday night taking a break from writing to watch Bette Davis in NOW, VOYAGER- 1942. Jerry, he cannot go on taking- but he won't give her what she wants and he wants, so his decision is to stop altogether. She has settled for indulging in a fantasy because it's a close as she can get to loving the man who just doesn't love her enough to allow the love to flow freely. Is it worse that she accepts giving selflessly instead of demanding the love that she wants and deserves? Or is she taking the love that is available, keeping what she can have instead of having nothing at all? When Mr. Unrequited love asks if she will be happy, her reply ends the movie with "don't let's ask for the moon when we have the stars."

Now, Voyager final scene

So much media --the stuff that our myths are made of, the stories whether they be movies, books, TV- they all tell us there is something wrong with you if you are a woman alone. Yet according to the American way, especially post-feminist era, it is rugged individualism that should not be compromised no matter, nothing is worth settling.

I pose the question-- what's so wrong with accepting where you are, what you have and being honest about your openness to something better coming along? What if I waited until the perfect surf came- I might have never surfed. Isn't learning a series of imperfections, lessons accumulated for use to try and do better when next time shows up? I am a firm believer in try, try again. If you break a leg you don't sit on your bumm and wait until it gets better- that was the old days (and I suspect they had no time or patience then either)- before we had crutches. Sometimes crutches do help you get by until you can fly. Too bad I don't think that's what happened to Charlotte Vale, damn male screenwriters and novelists!

Lent- ha! hanging up on my habits...

yes i am stepping away from Facebook and Twitter until Easter Monday. I have way too many obligations and campaigns and irons in the fire and different directions that i want to pursue. Simply cannot afford the distraction right now.

I am a recovering Catholic so the lent thing is really borrowing from the brilliance of the church- i mean hey- everybody, organized religious beliefs included, have a few good ideas, right? this is simply good timing on the calendar, today being MARDI GRAS and all.

it just seems like a great idea to focus my keyboard time on writing (i am going to be contributing to Silicon Valley Moms blog- details in another post! if you love me- you will take the extra step off of Facebook and actually subscribe to the blog- delete if you want but subscribe please!)

I am planning a visit to LA the weekend of March 5. Please Facebook Inbox or email your phone and email info so we can connect.

Looking forward- super excited for an Easter rebirth that includes extra fabulous high octane creativity.

yay! and away we go!

Musical Masochism - Redux Deductions

Making every effort to focus. To exude diligence and knock out the to-do's lingering on a list crazy old, begging for retirement. But here I am massaging my distracted day with songs...blogging in earnest to uncover any possible themes lying in the shuffle?

Adele~ Melt My Heart to Stone
Jackie Wilson- Lonely Teardrops
MC Hammer - Can't Touch This

THIS JUST IN! Listening to Pandora BEE GEES RADIO, switched to this after an afternoon of OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN RADIO...
Hard Habit to Break - Chicago
i think i need to stop listening to these songs. Suspect this whole genre is partially to blame for a generation of over indulgent, self-absorbed, substance abusing whiners...

from HIGH FIDELITY "did I listen to pop music because i was miserable or was i miserable because i listened to pop music?

As a kid my mom cut me off when i insisted on crying to FEELINGS and almost every BEE GEES song.. FANNY or TO LOVE SOMEBODY or HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE or Barry Manilow MANDY...OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, Hopelessly Devoted... ANNE MURRAY, You Needed Me... the list goes on. it's almost as if 70's pop music drippy ballads were some sort of prescient telling of my (perpetually unrequited) love life. or have they served as a blue print? one that i should tear (nice double entendre there, 'eh?!) up by changing the channel? But what would be better? When I make the switch over to the musician / entertainer / ultimate sex crooner of my time - (you have to ask? Prince!) and my heart gets toyed with again when somebody throws ADORE at you in a (transient) moment of passion.

No worries, the theme song with staying power is Prince all day long... (THERE'LL NEVER B) ANOTHER LIKE ME. yay.

100% trust in a flying leap of faith with indelible spirit

where that title came from you might ask? Well of course some kind of fabulous anxiety.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity." ~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

As much as I like to consider myself the bad-ass saucy tattooed chick with a punk rock heart, I am also an incurable optimist- even if it requires kicking your ass to convert you (*see post on cult following and the Irrevent Reverand's YAYmen Ministries).

This is inspiration to me. Thoughts like these keep me chugging along. Some of you in close proximity probably believe more chugging than along, and i thank you for your love, loyalty and patience.

I also found some secret inspiration- a friend of a friend- she shared these- jump started my old thinking wagon with a full tank of ooh, yeah, huhn'...

"That, Kristine, is destiny. That, is what happens when you follow your heart and your truth. Life flows. . . be well, and i know you will find this happiness and peace if you just embrace the unknown with 100% honesty." vgs

somehow from there the path trudges uphill to include- Vinnie Jones intro on the Joss Stone album...
You see I know change
I see change
I embody change
All we do is change
Yeah, I know change

We are born to change
We sometimes regard it as a metaphor
That reflects the way things ought to be

In fact change takes time
It exceeds all expectations
It requires both now and then
See although the players change
The song remains the same
And the truth is
You gotta have the balls to change.

WOW! some of it yes, falls so on the tip of your nose, well whatever. Here I am- fresh dealt a handful of cards that all mandate specific and quick change. The old ways- the habits and choices that are like a pair of high heels, familiar, cute and comfortable enough to be worn but i'm not running any marathons or hiking any hills in them. turns out they aren't that cute, they are deforming my feet and damn it, it's just plain old time for some new kicks.

so here i go. the caterpillar is wriggling around in the cocoon, sorting, packing, tossing, selling, purging a lifetime of crap. Bouncing around the Bay Area just long enough to make a healthy transition... Madame and Mademoiselle Bell butterflies are flying to make a new home in Los Angeles.

i will stop here before all of this cheesy corn makes me barf. oops wait uh-oh...

where

I've been feeling lately like a couch with plastic covers. I am functional, in fact don't work or look so different except there is something nearly invisible that is keeping me from my fullest. there is a thin veneer that is unnecessarily protecting me from being, doing, enjoying, realizing, functioning at full capacity, in true glory.

begs the question, how do I get out of my own way? seems not to be a case of coming to some tough and low spot, but finally really being here now, arriving not at a destination but at the conclusion that now is fine, but here couldn't be further from where my heart wants/needs/ is dying to be.

fear of what already is- being on my own- (insert giant DDUUHH here) has kept me in a beautiful place with wonderful people and lots of great stuff on many levels. it's just not where my heart sings.

and just like the rest of my reality- the inside doesn't match the outside (unless you are one of the super few who actually know what to see) and the passport doesn't correspond with HOME.

I can't tell you I know where to go to make my true home. I can tell you that despite abundant love and blessings, my heart is quiet. there may be some humming, but there is no song.
the good news is, I am a writer and I have unwavering faith and an indelible spirit to carry me through- I am writing the song and I am sure that the love I crave will be there to applaud when the melody comes. and if that means it's Xoxa and I- that's fantastic, she is magic you know.


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