Remembering Promises- a fable

Once upon a time there was a writer who had a tendency to get all twisted up. It seemed as if she was attracted to spiderwebs and could not resist getting herself. Rather than come upon one, admire the craft and beauty of it, then walk away, she compulsively inserted herself where she did not belong, and was not wanted.

Long story short, this girl had a platinum heart- precious and heavy and fragile. It was such a fabulous burden to tote around, she was nearly desperate to find someone to share with. But instead of doing as she was instructed and had pledged many moons ago- to find a suitable partner once she had established its true worth. The silly girl kept on going out there and wooing seeming suitors to her aid. As she herself had not determined the real value, she could not communicate it or convince others of it. Nobody really wanted it.

Finally, she grew weary chasing after another somebody who was not interested and had no safe place for her heart to rest. She took to back to the road, on her own, to get reacquainted with the space that her own long and lonely shadow cast on the path forward. The pain of occupying her own space after sharing with one who saw her heart as she hoped it would be seen, was exquisite. Time being the only antidote for such a wilted spirit, she set about filling up the vast expanses between minutes that would finally assemble to form a day. Here her faerie queen godmother came to her with the reminder of her pledge. That the heart would grow lighter and be suited to sharing once its value could be measured. This was the ray of light the girl needed, without delay she put her heart to the task at hand- writing from her heart in order to tell the tales and walk the miles...

Easily Distracted

Here at the SF Writer's Grotto. I'm sure I already said that in a few places but it's a great source of inspiration for me. One of my very most favoritest writers has an office AROUND THE CORNER and by that I mean in the same building- Po Bronson, whose book WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE changed everything for me. It was the fertilizer that helped me drop my figurative balls and decide that damn it, I am a writer.

So here I am trying to use this blog as a tool to harness my focus. I've got real problems people- as in be careful what you wish for types of issues. Yes, I have more to write than the sands in the hourglass and the words willing to evacuate my brain will accommodate. Kinda.

Stay tuned. Terry McMillan is about to launch within the week. Truth in Numbers is a happening thing. even good old Lamorinda Appliance Service, Inc. lives and breathes. There is the new media venture with promising promise MEDIA UNDER THE INFLUENCE... but most important is Smoke and Mirrors rounding the next bend and tada! it's a procedural! It's its own show- Entourage can piss up a rope as the misogynist narcissist gangs that dominate the airwaves get enough time- time to deconstruct and reconstruct our ideas about such trends...

i digress...it's great to be focusing on my own work, lassoing so to speak where i put my energy. enjoying the space i'm in and what i have here... not worrying what i don't and where i'm not and who isn't. with so many fab folks here, my heart is doing just fine. it will all make sense in the rear view mirror.

Catch Up: self indulgence warning issued

Not sure of the exact numbers but we are way up on our water- Spring came and went with a lot of rain. We are now breaking records for the coldest summer in at least 40 years- that surpasses all of the years I can claim, so there you go.

All of this to say, yup, me too. Try as I might, there was no real escape from the elements- rainy days and a cold heart have come to roost. I made attempts to boost outta this mess - plans to relocate to LA, placing my eggs in the wrong baskets and hanging my heart on the wrong hook- just a few of the places I misplaced my precious focus, energy and efforts.

So here I am feasting on HUMBLE PIE ALA MODE. While each activity served its purpose, the karma came quick with lessons about tending to the present moment, loving what you have and having what you love and accepting time in the questions. I could go on about gratitude and expectations and the dangers of men who walk with a limp and like it, but that's not the point. I've got my heart back, it's propped up here on the desk next to the clock that is ticking down the time I have to actually create something.

The cool thing is I am at the SF Writer's Grotto. A place I have always dreamed of working in. Granted I am subletting space for a limited time, but there is nothing like being somewhere you always wanted to be. It's a great reminder of the power of magic. I tend to suffer from amnesia, but that's another blog post.

I'm trying new things in the interest of getting new results. I'm not moving to LA. I'm not sticking with the same old people who are not feeding my soul but feasting on it. I am putting it out there and meeting new people. I am approaching my days armed with what I want and not what I think I can get. While I'm purging cliches I'll even say I'm planting as many steps as possible with specific intentions in the effort of becoming who I always wanted to be. Sitting here and writing is a fabulous beginning.

Enough taking care and prioritizing everybody else. That is sooo last lifetime.

Two Women Walk Into a Frame...

do they have names? do they talk about something other than a man? if they do, do you care anymore? would you be more intrigued if they were raped or their only driving force was / is elevating the 'hero'? are you dismissing me as a ranting feminist who should be LALALALALALALALLA tuned out?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLF6sAAMb4s&feature=player_embedded

i read this article and the comments- it really spoke not only to why I think that me putting anything remotely intelligent or entertaining on the screen, or at least helping it get there is crucial, but it made me kinda mad.

http://johnaugust.com/archives/2010/women-in-film

This is not about being feminist, at least not to me, as if that is such a bad thing anyway? Rather it's about why didn't you save a seat for me? Why do I have to be second class or chattel or only as important and valuable as your whims, wants or willie deem me to be? I will go out on a limb here and say it's not so far from how not white folks feel and have felt for ages. The real kicker is that women still sit in the back of the pimp bus. great.

But i'm not whining! I'm writing, raising money and changing things. So NOW!

time keeps on slipping slipping into

the ether. i've got so many irons in the fire it's barely conceivable. here i am spending another afternoon at my favorite cafe FOUR CORNERS in Albany as writing at home (home, brought to you by the parents, more on that later) is not going to happen with so many people and all of their stuff and stuff they are doing overlapping. yes folks I have a web content development gig (terrymcmillan.com) going on, movie marketing (shecriesyoudie.com) writing a TV pilot (smokeandmirrorstv.com)for a table read Thursday and pitching in LA next week. There are also a couple of docs and 2 or 3 other screenplay ideas in some stage of development and a fabulous career changing barter going on with Ellen Sandler (sandlerink.com), plus the bookkeeping I do for my dad's business. 

Like a mother with too many children and little capacity or skill to communicate the need or type of help that might be helpful, I juggle them all watching my hopes for exercise, eating well and moments of solitude (love? leisure? laziness? somebody elses luxuries to be sure) slip away like an interrupted dream. 

A woman and her two kids just passed by the window decked in hipster fashion finery and equipment. It really made me miss my baby Xoxa. yeah I know she is a feisty and fabulous 5 years old, but that doesn't mean i don't wish we had more time just me and her, to chill and enjoy each other like we did when we had our own space. she loves her grandparents and we will be on our own soon enough. it won't be like this for very long (in fact this BROKE and UNDEREMPLOYED bullshit has been stale for more than a minute too long) in fact it's changing every minute. I really want the shoe on the other foot already. I want to enjoy my parents, not feel like crap-ola because despite my best efforts i need their help. 

It does help that i know i'm not alone. I count my blessings and make sure my daughter feels loved. then i work some more.  

opening up to reveal the ineffable - read it all b/c it's real & good & real good!

I am a huge fan of Producer Mark Lipsky's blog

http://incitecinema.com/blog/

It's just what a blog should be: quick, well written and full of contagious energy. It's become my daily affirmation. It's as if I have been introduced to a kindred spirit who is not flaky or pretentious or worried- it's the abundance that keeps it alive and pushes us to make art by any means necessary. his messages are all about it can be done and it's done all the time and let's do it not because it's cool but because you know you can't do anything else.

I really wanted to do what I thought was the right thing and move to Portland (one of my favorite cities of all time) to raise my daughter in a warm and open community as a writer. Somehow the invisible force field that the universe erects when you approach an other path didn't sanction it. then one day I tried on the idea of actually actively pursuing my lifelong dream of making movies- not just writing and offering my words for the world to absorb (i have no illusions that a lot of what i will create in my tenure as an artist will no be enjoyable so absorb stands) rather i want to MAKE something. I have never really wanted anything so badly in my life- not even true love as I would forgo romance and a secure partnership to make art- sorry fellas! my oldest friends are grateful that i am making the leap into the visions that were held hostage in my heart for so long... and funny but the universe has obliged me with Ruby slippers (I know in the book they were originally silver- i'm talking cinema here, a'ight?) to skip along down to LA LA land where I can hustle under the Hollywood sign along with the best of them. Turns out this is the best thing for Xoxa too because a heart happy mama is a good mama.

and now, Goethe...

———————————–
Until one is committed,
there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back,
always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.
Whatever you can do
or dream you can,
begin it.
Boldness has genius,
power and magic in it.
Begin it now.
-Goethe

Player Playing

"You are a player in this rigorous game of living . . .
The first rule is: every player dies;
none know when it's coming . . . Everyone has to play.
The game goes on forever - or until you win.
You win by finding death before it finds you.
The prize - is life."
- Barry Long"

more on this to come!