speed of life

some bundled moments are so weighty with significance that they pull you into their rhythm. The velocity match, the adjusted atmosphere brings details, subtle facts & specifically pronounced nuances from their patient waiting posture into technicolor vibrance, etched on to the recesses of your spirit fiber, imposing new balance on your daily locomotion-- if you surrender your intention and pay attention.

my daughter is having a surgery soon. I've come close to saying good-byes that seem premature and feel others impending as part of the course. meanwhile, embracing the treasures littered in right now.

can't wait to get outside in the autumn with my girl and the family we have created. nothing like this love.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A Job. My Job.

There are so many different schools of creative thought. How do you do it? Where does it come from? Is it talent? Is it a gift? Is it about the audience or the work or the product or what?
I was given a gift today by a believer- I say believer because it's the belief that something exists that sparks the process that results in the creative product.

This gift was a TED talk by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am a fan of hers, and now you could call me a disciple. She preached a creative doctrine that did not just speak to me as a message, it summed up my essence in such a way that I felt understood and an understanding of myself that happens only when I am traversing a precipice, active and conscious of stepping from one evolutionary lily-pad to the next. It has happened before- and like Elizabeth Gilbert, one of these was with Tom Waits... but that's a different story...

so just like when my mentor and inspiration on legs Terry McMillan gave me Po Bronson's WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE? years ago, I watched this Ted talk and felt acknowledgment and reinforcement and understanding sitting side by side next to my muse. In their laps were all of the puzzle pieces for me to assemble the who, what, where, why and how and even the how much of my creative process. 

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

It's no accident that a favorite show of mine- 6 FEET UNDER - Alan Ball of course, spoke to me in one of the final episodes where Claire was directed from beyond the grave to tune out the static and hear the message. Life happens, incessant  drama, rife with clutter and daily messes tugging and dictating and demanding we parcel our hearts and minds out to tackle every little thing to make our moments just so. It's part of my job to say no thank you. I have a date with my muse. I am committed to come correct and bring it, every time. You never know when the visit will be elevated by transcendent magic and effervescence or just something else, sometimes resulting in also terrible.  You don't get to know in advance. It makes sense in the rear view mirror. Like my dad always says- the hardest part is showing up.

spin cycle

I was never what you would call a great surfer and I haven't done it in years. But it's one of those things i can't wait to do again, wish i could do it all the time and can't imagine not doing it ever again. My romantic life has played out a lot like my not so illustrious surfing career.

It all starts with cool gear and a plan to get out there and ride those waves! Suited up you work and work to paddle out, get past the break. Then you sit. You wait until the right wave comes along and BAZAM! You paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle and stand up at just the right time to take your place in the sweet spot, riding all the way in to the beach, breathless and exhilarated because there is nothing else like it in the world.

Except more often than not the waves looked one way when i started to paddle out, I was dizzy from not being in surf ready shape by the time i got past the break and then anxious about whether or not that was a fin in the distance and if something just touched me i should ignore it because i couldn't do anything about it anyway. Wait for the right wave and the magic will sail in on magic... BUT NO! Not unlike my forays into the world of dating and romance- instead of diligent effort floating me in on a wave of magic, I paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle and end up on the wrong wave, wipe out in the messy white wash and get tossed around in the spin cycle of waves that were not nearly that big when I paddled out.


It's probably a good thing I don't have a surfboard or a wetsuit. There hasn't been much summer to speak of so...So here I am waiting for the season to come around again while i get myself in shape. It's not easy because even though i haven't been out that far that many times, once it's in you, it's there. The next opportunity to paddle out may not be for awhile- I'm not exactly actively engaged in wave watching, honestly still getting have wobbly sea legs over my last time out, I was trying to stand up on my board when the waves were really better for freestyle body surfing.

I'm convinced there are some decent waves out there, right for me to ride in on, once I'm in the right shape, with the right board and suit to make it all happen. Meanwhile, living through the days until the next season are the only way through it. There is plenty to do-- the magic is worth it. 

Happy Birthday...to me?

Today being the day it is reminds me of a weekend rendezvous in Seattle, March 2004 to be precise. It was a simple few days, movies, more than one which was great- blockbusters but it was all good. Walking around, not holding hands though I really wanted to and other seeming complications that were overlooked and music, dancing to a New Orleans band- magic. Most i remember enjoying the moment because to see him that weekend at all was crazy, to see him again, was going to be a miracle.

Long story short, this weekend I got closer to someone than I ever have, without giving it all away an ruining it with some toxic expectation that turns into a habit that skews and skewers the parties involved. All that to say there was conversation and love and fun and just damn it is was ALL GOOD. I left that weekend so electric and activated that nothing else mattered.

The result was saving money. Finally working freelance and planning my trip around the world! Buying a motorcycle! Writing/directing/producing a stage play in the SF Fringe festival! Well, I got as far as the helmet when all of this self-activation crested...and my 'I don't need anyone because I'm good with me!" was confronted...I was pregnant!

I haven't seen him since- but i think about him sometimes- especially when i want to remember a time when i was my favorite self and somebody else recognized and acknowledged it...and it never had the chance to get rotten.

to that end i'm grateful for the phenomenon of muscle memory. I know that that i'm in me. i'm in training to own it again. in fact the universe has seen fit to put me right back to my roots- the same place before i've launched a few practice runs of whole self activation...this time it will be getting for good... stay tuned. I'm working it out.

Remembering Promises- a fable

Once upon a time there was a writer who had a tendency to get all twisted up. It seemed as if she was attracted to spiderwebs and could not resist getting herself. Rather than come upon one, admire the craft and beauty of it, then walk away, she compulsively inserted herself where she did not belong, and was not wanted.

Long story short, this girl had a platinum heart- precious and heavy and fragile. It was such a fabulous burden to tote around, she was nearly desperate to find someone to share with. But instead of doing as she was instructed and had pledged many moons ago- to find a suitable partner once she had established its true worth. The silly girl kept on going out there and wooing seeming suitors to her aid. As she herself had not determined the real value, she could not communicate it or convince others of it. Nobody really wanted it.

Finally, she grew weary chasing after another somebody who was not interested and had no safe place for her heart to rest. She took to back to the road, on her own, to get reacquainted with the space that her own long and lonely shadow cast on the path forward. The pain of occupying her own space after sharing with one who saw her heart as she hoped it would be seen, was exquisite. Time being the only antidote for such a wilted spirit, she set about filling up the vast expanses between minutes that would finally assemble to form a day. Here her faerie queen godmother came to her with the reminder of her pledge. That the heart would grow lighter and be suited to sharing once its value could be measured. This was the ray of light the girl needed, without delay she put her heart to the task at hand- writing from her heart in order to tell the tales and walk the miles...

Easily Distracted

Here at the SF Writer's Grotto. I'm sure I already said that in a few places but it's a great source of inspiration for me. One of my very most favoritest writers has an office AROUND THE CORNER and by that I mean in the same building- Po Bronson, whose book WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE changed everything for me. It was the fertilizer that helped me drop my figurative balls and decide that damn it, I am a writer.

So here I am trying to use this blog as a tool to harness my focus. I've got real problems people- as in be careful what you wish for types of issues. Yes, I have more to write than the sands in the hourglass and the words willing to evacuate my brain will accommodate. Kinda.

Stay tuned. Terry McMillan is about to launch within the week. Truth in Numbers is a happening thing. even good old Lamorinda Appliance Service, Inc. lives and breathes. There is the new media venture with promising promise MEDIA UNDER THE INFLUENCE... but most important is Smoke and Mirrors rounding the next bend and tada! it's a procedural! It's its own show- Entourage can piss up a rope as the misogynist narcissist gangs that dominate the airwaves get enough time- time to deconstruct and reconstruct our ideas about such trends...

i digress...it's great to be focusing on my own work, lassoing so to speak where i put my energy. enjoying the space i'm in and what i have here... not worrying what i don't and where i'm not and who isn't. with so many fab folks here, my heart is doing just fine. it will all make sense in the rear view mirror.

Catch Up: self indulgence warning issued

Not sure of the exact numbers but we are way up on our water- Spring came and went with a lot of rain. We are now breaking records for the coldest summer in at least 40 years- that surpasses all of the years I can claim, so there you go.

All of this to say, yup, me too. Try as I might, there was no real escape from the elements- rainy days and a cold heart have come to roost. I made attempts to boost outta this mess - plans to relocate to LA, placing my eggs in the wrong baskets and hanging my heart on the wrong hook- just a few of the places I misplaced my precious focus, energy and efforts.

So here I am feasting on HUMBLE PIE ALA MODE. While each activity served its purpose, the karma came quick with lessons about tending to the present moment, loving what you have and having what you love and accepting time in the questions. I could go on about gratitude and expectations and the dangers of men who walk with a limp and like it, but that's not the point. I've got my heart back, it's propped up here on the desk next to the clock that is ticking down the time I have to actually create something.

The cool thing is I am at the SF Writer's Grotto. A place I have always dreamed of working in. Granted I am subletting space for a limited time, but there is nothing like being somewhere you always wanted to be. It's a great reminder of the power of magic. I tend to suffer from amnesia, but that's another blog post.

I'm trying new things in the interest of getting new results. I'm not moving to LA. I'm not sticking with the same old people who are not feeding my soul but feasting on it. I am putting it out there and meeting new people. I am approaching my days armed with what I want and not what I think I can get. While I'm purging cliches I'll even say I'm planting as many steps as possible with specific intentions in the effort of becoming who I always wanted to be. Sitting here and writing is a fabulous beginning.

Enough taking care and prioritizing everybody else. That is sooo last lifetime.