Trying to get Preparation and Opportunity together

It is not an equitable world when it comes to talent and the dispensation of luck. - Amy Tan

I have been more than lucky. I am pushing forward up up and away from my comfort zone and the encouraging embrace of my inner circle in order to do justice to the luck I have been blessed by. I hope I am working hard enough. I have some pretty good connections. I have some talent (or so I have been told and encouraged by folks who love me yes, know what they are talking about, yes, blow sunshine- not so much!) not to mention the most important pieces - passion, creativity and drive. I can feel the dreams realized in my bones- there is not a breath i take that doesn't have some frame of a dream flavoring it. 


I dream of the creativity that rumbles in my belly and spins whirling dervish style in my brain exploding onto 16mm celluloid (it's where I started in film and how Kathryn Bigelow shot THE HURT LOCKER, which makes me love her more) and bound pages and screens both theatrical and home. I dream of Independent Spirit Awards and bios that are a full page of world improving, life affirming accomplishments and only a gratuitous sentence or two about me personally.

but i digress. I want to work hard enough to sweat it out into reality. for all the nights my dreams will keep me away from putting my dearest darling daughter to bed singing the ABC's and Twinkle, Twinkle- I want them to be worth it- to give her an example of discipline not drama, passion not pettiness, courage not cattiness and dreams advanced, not deferred.  


Back to the day's creative goals.

Lenten Update - argh

It's not easy resisting the social networking. In fact for work I can't give it up altogether. As soon as I decided to reroute my attention flow, wouldn't you know it- one of my favorite people, a mentor and prominent, accomplished, inspiring writer (you can guess but said person shall remain nameless, cuz that's how i roll here) reaches out and asks for my expertise and input on social networking. "Ha", says the universe! You will not be totally unplugging after all!

So I have in fact answered some emails, updated some fan pages (facebook.com/smokeandmirrorstv facebook.com/msterrymcmillan facebook.com/silverheartproductions ) and started the Foursquare! ball rolling. I have also had some issues getting my blogs - It's Wonderful Being a Girl or SV Moms to feed to twitter and Facebook. I have even been rerouted by the evil Facebook demons to my FB home page where I have encountered things not just garden-variety distracting but down right annoying. Simply stated- I am staying as strong as I can in my pledge to not surrender energy and time to the Facecrack time suck- but between you and me- I think the damn thing has what I have called for years "A Little Guy" in there that knows exactly what will derail me. Is this an algorithmic coincidence? Am I just weak or my ADD more deeply hard wired than I thought?

I will continue to do my best to do my duty to my deadlines and my spirit- and grow some muscles for resisting in the process. Meanwhile I do walk around and experience a fabulous and full life that is often punctuated by things that would be a good tweet or a status update- argh- and i resist or I blog. With so much writing, packing, Momming and networking to do- who has time for the rarely satisfying Facecrack? I don't.

My Next Husband

If there were a little more silence, if we all kept quiet...maybe we could understand something."
-Federico Fellini

My crush on Ryan Gosling just went the next step. He has an elegant courage, a special kind of bravery in his approach, in his getting naked, in his breathing- the fact that he gets naked in all kinds of ways- well, it's really what i think it's all about. it's really all i require. no more no less.

It's also my favorite kind of movie where all of the damage is exposed, we all know it's there but instead of getting a rash about it everybody gets together and lets it come out.

I have only ever dreamed about a place where you could let it go so far that nobody was so sad or sick or damaged or unsure that that the couldn't or wouldn't help you get to the other side. In my experience there is enough superb love that you keep trying, but so often the rub is uncomfortable enough that it sends you packing back to the hinge in your shell to recuperate until either you forgot because the burn had healed or staying lost its freshness.

I figure if I got to do much more than taste that place, I might not get anything done. The creative and driven patches in my skin might not itch anymore. I have always suspected that the gaze of the truest lasting love with be so hypnotic - so fabulous and overwhelming that i would surrender, i would drink the punch (scratcch that- even if i smile and take a deep fantastic breath- i still see me pouring the punch. Devil is in the details). and right now I have way too much to do to be pouring punch! In fact I'm gonna go to sleep because my little 5 year old dream boat and I have a stormy day inside watching movies and writing planned for tomorrow. I think it will have french toast and fish fingers too. yay.  

hey you guys!

Wow. so much going on. My whole house is packed up like crazy as i sort through things- sometimes with a snarky grin- haha you aren't coming with us! I smirk at the inanimate objects that i allowed into my life. It's cleansing. It's a real hassle and I cannot wait until...

the temptation to fast forward through the months Xoxa and I will spend at my parents' house (Oy!) and get into the fun of reinventing myself in Hollywood at the end of summer. I am not looking forward to it- I am firm believer that I can not and should not ever try to go home again- well as soon as I got over the fact that it is the house i grew up in but not even remotely home- well it was slightly more palatable. It's not like we don't have other places to go- it's that this is what is best for Xoxa. She will get the Mimi and Bibi (grandma and grandpa to her) time that will also include sleepovers with cousins, aunts, uncles, her two dogs, while affording mama the chance to clean up, clear out and cultivate the arsenal of creative material required to make a proper kriz bell style splash in LA LALA.

so if you got this far and you are a fan- hell if you are even marginally annoyed and stayed this long- pretty please go the blog itself and follow or leave a clever comment. believe it or not your kinds words help me to make more...

www.wonderfulbeingagirl.blogspot.com

thanks. you rock!

Happy Valentine's Day - late, I know...caution, there's some ramblin' rockin' through here!

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Marilyn Monroe

 

This was my gift to myself as a single woman on my own for Valentine's Day. I enjoyed the day with two dear long time friends, having fun with fancy food. I don't have memories of a Valentine's day that met the marketing industry ideal, or even mine for that matter - exclusive, special, hand holding, eye gazing with reflections of mutual beautiful memories bouncing back and forth in the laughter that decorates the fabulous dinner just yards away from crashing ocean waves... nope I haven't given this ANY thought at all.

I imagine the MAD MEN episode where Marilyn dies was accurate in its depiction of a devastating loss, though few were even casually acquainted with her. For me, especially seeing new photos resurrected of her reading James Joyce-- whatever it was, her quote above really says it all to me. Sometimes you do what you do because you can count on it changing and it's the best option at the time. You don't always get to know if it's a reason, a season or a lifetime. Things change no matter what, and you adjust. And then when you are acclimated to the latest atmosphere- it will change again. Nothing like a few good cliches to explain the truth of the human experience- the roughest roads often lead to the best views seen with the strongest eyes and it all makes sense in the rear view mirror.

Finally, watching the Olympics, the athletes all have this look in their eyes and make me think that they made decisions with their lives, their careers that few would make. It is what it is. People talk about things. People think about things. And then feelings and behavior get stirred into the mix-- well that's when you can pull the safety bar over your head, hear the gears engage and know that the roller coaster you wish was just for movies or somebody else's life is going to take another spin

Now, Voyager- a Real Trip Nowhere, Now Here...

Saturday night taking a break from writing to watch Bette Davis in NOW, VOYAGER- 1942. Jerry, he cannot go on taking- but he won't give her what she wants and he wants, so his decision is to stop altogether. She has settled for indulging in a fantasy because it's a close as she can get to loving the man who just doesn't love her enough to allow the love to flow freely. Is it worse that she accepts giving selflessly instead of demanding the love that she wants and deserves? Or is she taking the love that is available, keeping what she can have instead of having nothing at all? When Mr. Unrequited love asks if she will be happy, her reply ends the movie with "don't let's ask for the moon when we have the stars."

Now, Voyager final scene

So much media --the stuff that our myths are made of, the stories whether they be movies, books, TV- they all tell us there is something wrong with you if you are a woman alone. Yet according to the American way, especially post-feminist era, it is rugged individualism that should not be compromised no matter, nothing is worth settling.

I pose the question-- what's so wrong with accepting where you are, what you have and being honest about your openness to something better coming along? What if I waited until the perfect surf came- I might have never surfed. Isn't learning a series of imperfections, lessons accumulated for use to try and do better when next time shows up? I am a firm believer in try, try again. If you break a leg you don't sit on your bumm and wait until it gets better- that was the old days (and I suspect they had no time or patience then either)- before we had crutches. Sometimes crutches do help you get by until you can fly. Too bad I don't think that's what happened to Charlotte Vale, damn male screenwriters and novelists!

Lent- ha! hanging up on my habits...

yes i am stepping away from Facebook and Twitter until Easter Monday. I have way too many obligations and campaigns and irons in the fire and different directions that i want to pursue. Simply cannot afford the distraction right now.

I am a recovering Catholic so the lent thing is really borrowing from the brilliance of the church- i mean hey- everybody, organized religious beliefs included, have a few good ideas, right? this is simply good timing on the calendar, today being MARDI GRAS and all.

it just seems like a great idea to focus my keyboard time on writing (i am going to be contributing to Silicon Valley Moms blog- details in another post! if you love me- you will take the extra step off of Facebook and actually subscribe to the blog- delete if you want but subscribe please!)

I am planning a visit to LA the weekend of March 5. Please Facebook Inbox or email your phone and email info so we can connect.

Looking forward- super excited for an Easter rebirth that includes extra fabulous high octane creativity.

yay! and away we go!

Musical Masochism - Redux Deductions

Making every effort to focus. To exude diligence and knock out the to-do's lingering on a list crazy old, begging for retirement. But here I am massaging my distracted day with songs...blogging in earnest to uncover any possible themes lying in the shuffle?

Adele~ Melt My Heart to Stone
Jackie Wilson- Lonely Teardrops
MC Hammer - Can't Touch This

THIS JUST IN! Listening to Pandora BEE GEES RADIO, switched to this after an afternoon of OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN RADIO...
Hard Habit to Break - Chicago
i think i need to stop listening to these songs. Suspect this whole genre is partially to blame for a generation of over indulgent, self-absorbed, substance abusing whiners...

from HIGH FIDELITY "did I listen to pop music because i was miserable or was i miserable because i listened to pop music?

As a kid my mom cut me off when i insisted on crying to FEELINGS and almost every BEE GEES song.. FANNY or TO LOVE SOMEBODY or HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE or Barry Manilow MANDY...OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, Hopelessly Devoted... ANNE MURRAY, You Needed Me... the list goes on. it's almost as if 70's pop music drippy ballads were some sort of prescient telling of my (perpetually unrequited) love life. or have they served as a blue print? one that i should tear (nice double entendre there, 'eh?!) up by changing the channel? But what would be better? When I make the switch over to the musician / entertainer / ultimate sex crooner of my time - (you have to ask? Prince!) and my heart gets toyed with again when somebody throws ADORE at you in a (transient) moment of passion.

No worries, the theme song with staying power is Prince all day long... (THERE'LL NEVER B) ANOTHER LIKE ME. yay.

100% trust in a flying leap of faith with indelible spirit

where that title came from you might ask? Well of course some kind of fabulous anxiety.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity." ~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

As much as I like to consider myself the bad-ass saucy tattooed chick with a punk rock heart, I am also an incurable optimist- even if it requires kicking your ass to convert you (*see post on cult following and the Irrevent Reverand's YAYmen Ministries).

This is inspiration to me. Thoughts like these keep me chugging along. Some of you in close proximity probably believe more chugging than along, and i thank you for your love, loyalty and patience.

I also found some secret inspiration- a friend of a friend- she shared these- jump started my old thinking wagon with a full tank of ooh, yeah, huhn'...

"That, Kristine, is destiny. That, is what happens when you follow your heart and your truth. Life flows. . . be well, and i know you will find this happiness and peace if you just embrace the unknown with 100% honesty." vgs

somehow from there the path trudges uphill to include- Vinnie Jones intro on the Joss Stone album...
You see I know change
I see change
I embody change
All we do is change
Yeah, I know change

We are born to change
We sometimes regard it as a metaphor
That reflects the way things ought to be

In fact change takes time
It exceeds all expectations
It requires both now and then
See although the players change
The song remains the same
And the truth is
You gotta have the balls to change.

WOW! some of it yes, falls so on the tip of your nose, well whatever. Here I am- fresh dealt a handful of cards that all mandate specific and quick change. The old ways- the habits and choices that are like a pair of high heels, familiar, cute and comfortable enough to be worn but i'm not running any marathons or hiking any hills in them. turns out they aren't that cute, they are deforming my feet and damn it, it's just plain old time for some new kicks.

so here i go. the caterpillar is wriggling around in the cocoon, sorting, packing, tossing, selling, purging a lifetime of crap. Bouncing around the Bay Area just long enough to make a healthy transition... Madame and Mademoiselle Bell butterflies are flying to make a new home in Los Angeles.

i will stop here before all of this cheesy corn makes me barf. oops wait uh-oh...