Happy Birthday...to me?

Today being the day it is reminds me of a weekend rendezvous in Seattle, March 2004 to be precise. It was a simple few days, movies, more than one which was great- blockbusters but it was all good. Walking around, not holding hands though I really wanted to and other seeming complications that were overlooked and music, dancing to a New Orleans band- magic. Most i remember enjoying the moment because to see him that weekend at all was crazy, to see him again, was going to be a miracle.

Long story short, this weekend I got closer to someone than I ever have, without giving it all away an ruining it with some toxic expectation that turns into a habit that skews and skewers the parties involved. All that to say there was conversation and love and fun and just damn it is was ALL GOOD. I left that weekend so electric and activated that nothing else mattered.

The result was saving money. Finally working freelance and planning my trip around the world! Buying a motorcycle! Writing/directing/producing a stage play in the SF Fringe festival! Well, I got as far as the helmet when all of this self-activation crested...and my 'I don't need anyone because I'm good with me!" was confronted...I was pregnant!

I haven't seen him since- but i think about him sometimes- especially when i want to remember a time when i was my favorite self and somebody else recognized and acknowledged it...and it never had the chance to get rotten.

to that end i'm grateful for the phenomenon of muscle memory. I know that that i'm in me. i'm in training to own it again. in fact the universe has seen fit to put me right back to my roots- the same place before i've launched a few practice runs of whole self activation...this time it will be getting for good... stay tuned. I'm working it out.