Strong* (*warning emotional woe-is-me over share inside)

I cannot tell you how tired i am of being strong. I have been strong my entire life. I have dealt with unsolicited advances from the time i was a child, unwanted responsibilities and inappropriate situations from before i knew how to pronounce let alone spell or understand these concepts. I was always the one who has pretty and smart and quiet and strong so i required no worry. "SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF".

and so it goes. yes i can. yes i have. yes i will. but can you imagine what it is like to be 9 years old dealing with sex, drugs and assholes? the bottom line is i was taking care of people from the time i was 4 years old- first my brother (who i love and would not change one moment of the time i have spent sharing my life with him- except the times i hurt him) then my parents because it was clear from Jump Street that they needed support- so instead of acting like a 4 year old and placing myself at the center of the universe and learning how to integrate others i started off speaking everybody else as a first language. '

i still do it. i'm not as bad as some but it has effected my own personal values and sense of self. i know enough to put my mask on first and i have a great family and relatives who keep me in check, but that doesn't mean that when it serves somebody they won't stop me from giving until i got no more.

right now i just want to get a minute to breath. and i want a few moments, hours to pretend like i have everything in the world that my heart desires. that i'm special. that i'm taken care of. that someone will catch me if i fall, not just pick me up after i hit the ground! that i deserve the effort, the special grooming, the thoughtful gesture, the expense, the time, the sacrifice and all that. these are things i have sampled as in wine tasting- never truly trusted i could feast. i deserve this. i know i do.

is that too much to ask? i figure that my heart is broken and i'm over stressed regardless so the come down from my little pretend time won't be so much unhealthy or damaging as it will be the contrast i really need in order to get to my healthy and powerful good back to being stronger than you would really ever expect anybody to be but you expect it of me, self.

and i will continue to be strong. to be all that and make the life i dream of a daily reality. raise an incredible daughter. write the TV show and 3 screenplays (actually i think it's up to 4 now) and novel and short stories i carry around between my ears. and get my shit together- fiscal and physical responsibility and health. all of these are hinging on my spirit- that is being addresses first as soon as i can and as i can.

i am grateful for my friends who are my family and yes i can be strong-- just please understand if i take a minute to be weak.

40 years

irony is defined today by the trouble my parents' (and my brother's for that matter) incessant anniversaries cause me. you see i suffer from pioneer syndrome- i am the first in my family to travel, with the exception of minimal vacations and immigration... i am the first to not settle down with my true love. by no stretch am i suggesting that a- settling down is easy b- that there is anything wrong with what i have done. to the contrary.

my observation is meant as nothing more than that. something accepted so blithely by all- congratulations in order for a job well done- would you think it might have a negative side? there are no negatives for them, my parents continue to spend time together and love each other like teen agers who will have to dream about each other after curfew and endure the stretches apart between classes. they have lunch everyday. they cook dinner together. they sleep curled up like 2 spoons in a drawer despite snoring and one hot while the other is cold. sounds like a win for everybody, 'eh?

the invisible downside is their eldest child's inability to meet let alone match with anyone. before i tuned in to my gut i went on 2 1/2 year stretches before the relationship disintegrated. more recently the expiration date has been at about the 6 month mark. and i try try again.

because this true love i was raised with and watched my brother carve out with his high school sweetheart has both defined me and plagued me. for me the programming runs deep- as an emotional girl with a vivid imagination, there is nothing like HAPPILY EVER AFTER. and why shouldn't i? funny that, i never imagined a wedding, but played penthouse and traveler woman. i had a doorman and an elevator. 30 years later i had a baby on my own, knowing that if i was waiting for Prince Charming, it might never happen.

in the long run i can't help but feel that i am forgetting something- it always goes back to the partner. it's just not the same holding your own hand.

i'm working it out. i have a habit of hooking up with mr. bad timing; mr. red flag; mr. unavailable; mr. peter pan; mr. non-committal and mr. not right now...

alas, better luck next time. and so it goes. Happy Ruby Anniversary to Barbara & Gary- you did the best you knew how and i will take it / make it from here.

living with the questions

it still doesn't really make sense the way i want it to. though i can say that the moment of clarity has come. sad really that i have to get here in order to make the changes that are long overdue. of course i wouldn't be here at all if i had the kind of bravery i hope to be growing as a result of finding myself here again.

luckily i am a big supporter of forgiveness. it's not really so altruistic, it's for me. it's the way i get to move on. the forget part- i haven't read anywhere that it helps you to forget. i don't forget, sometimes it keeps me awake at night and sends me visiting the dank dark dungeon where my shadow self resides. it always creeps up when i am testing a new relationship- trying to weed out the squeamish, the faint at heart who out of self-preservation will run screaming (perhaps in silence) in terror, admitting their inability to provide the specific maintenance that a relationship with me will require. not high maintenance, but specialized and specific maintenance.

and despite an extended love furlough, listening to my gut and imposing unconventional boundaries- all kinds of new and unexplored ways of being with someone- protecting myself and remaining open- it all seemed so on the way- so almost there- so it's all good...until the gut kicked in and tried to message me that something is rotten in the state of Denmark! That i am not crazy. that i think something is amiss because it is!

so maybe i end up where i am time after time because i turn my gut down from the 11 it insists on broadcasting at, in order to accommodate my craving to replicate my upbringing, to mix and match up with somebody worthy of happily ever after. There are questions i have to ask if i am ever going to break this cycle of low self-worth i am perpetuating. Of course i wonder if there is some karmic tattoo i need to go inside and scrub away? how am i contributing to the long line of men who say they love me but end up dragging my heart behind the caboose of their non-committal freight train? listen to the need for control. pay attention to where i am at and make sure i am shaking the like attracts like until i like my like in this entanglement of likeness. remaining true to myself, to my dreams- making sure i just say no until that novel and TV Pilot and screenplay are written. and maybe even grad school. and living abroad. and enjoying Paris, and spending my 40th birthday in Greece or the Galapagos. and taking Xoxa around the world when she is 9.

as said on Dexter... people will lie all the time but your instinct will never fail you. time for me to really get acquainted with and value that inside space. the universe if perfect- i have nothing to be afraid of, love.

Green Eyes- Erykah Badu- Theme Music

Sometimes a song speaks a situation precisely. This is one of those songs.


"Green Eyes"

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I don't care, I swear
I'm too thru with you I am
You don't mean nothing to me
So go ahead and be with your friend

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I'm insecure
But I can't help it
My mind says move on
My heart lags behind
But I don't love you any more
I'm so insecure
Never knew that love did this
Ooh, ooh

I can't remember the last time I felt this way
About somebody
You've done something to my mind
And I can't control it
But I don't love you any more
Yes I do, I think
Loving you is wrong baby
Ooh, ooh

La-di-da
Dum-dee-da-da
Dum-didi-da-da-da
Dum-didi-da-dum-di

I'm so confused
You tried to trick me yeah
Ooh, ooh, oh
Never knew that love could hurt like this
Never thought I would but I got dissed
Makes me feel so sad and hurt inside
Feel embarrased so I want to hide
Silly me I thought your love was true
Change my name to Silly E. Badu
Before I heal, it's gonna be a while
I know it's gonna be a while, chile

[ad-libs]

I hope it's not too late
Too late, too late, too late
Feeling insecure
Your love has got me sore
I don't want no more

Oh, oh
It's too late, oh, oh ooh, ooh
I'm sorry I love you
At first it was cool
You told me you loved me too, ooh
And then you lost your love
And then you lost your love
And then you lost your love
You wanted me to go away
But I can't go
See I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late

Just make love to me
Just one more time and then you'll see
I can't believe I made a desparate plea
Believe me yeah, ye-ah, no, oh
You see I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
Don't you know, I can't leave, it's too late
Can't go no where, no
It's too late
It's too late
It's too late
It's too late yeah
Come on babe

Don't you want be strong with me
You told me we could have a family
Want to run to me when you're down and low
But times get tough and there you go
Out the door, you wanna run again
Open your arms and you'll come back in
Wanna run cause you say your afraid, afraid

Never knew what a friendship was
Never knew how to really love
You can't be what I need you to
And I don't know why i fuck with you

I know our love will never be the same
But I can't stand the growing pains

old hurts comin' through shiny and new

i'm not sure when i am going to learn the lessons that i seem to trip over over and over and over again. here i am- zowee. different flavor but it's still heartbreak. funny how i felt it days before. i knew something was on the horizon. something drove me to begin the process of grieving and making sure i have what i need.
then the information is confirmed and like Michael Jackson's passing i am almost conflicted- surprised but i knew it was true and even saw it coming. i find my feet on the ground finally but i can't trust the view yet- my eyes have not adjusted to be able to know what is really what and to TRUST what i see.

these are my favorite new quotes...
Behavior is what a man does, not what he thinks, feels, or believes. (or tries to tell you! which brings us to our next quote)
Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell.
Thank you Emily Dickinson


now i know why grandma always says keep your legs closed, your eyes opened and listen to your gut.
in the end i win. no matter what.
haha. yay for me.

space

i am the luckiest girl in the world. i don't always have the best memory- that is i do not always remember and call on the experience of my blessings. but sometimes it's just about feeling it and taking that with you too, whatever it is.

today i am lucky because i am taking advantage of the space i have to write and create and organize. it hasn't always been like this. the evolution has included help from friends, especially one friend who has been strident in reminding me of my mission- I WIN. He also loaned me the machine i am working on. that's right friends and neighbors- i've gone to the bright side and now i use a MAC! but i digress...

in reading a book on A WRITER'S SPACE (i am a creative self-help junkie) this blog entry was to be devoted to how i assess, improve and/or create my work space. my church- where i 'pray poetry and praise prose' (thank you Dr. Eric Maisel) - where i report everyday to diligently apply bum glue that keeps me in my seat so the muses know where to find and infect my psyche with the goods that will eventually get me out of the rabbit holes i incessantly meander about in passive aggressive avoidance of my calling. keeping an unhealthy distance from the words and the messages and sometimes if i'm really honest- my own sanity.

so here is my first exercise- how cool- i already have the homework done! i just raised the gorgeous imac up to a more eye friendly height, lit a candle and some incense. aside from a few bits of tidying up and wrapping long overdue projects (all slated for completion on the new and improved visit it daily schedule) this space is really where i want it to be.

it's an amazing room. it's cozy and womb like. the desk started across the room and just didn't work. now it is against the chalkboard wall and who knows why but it's just right. the fancy chair and buddha reminding me to focus despite the struggle and breathe damn it breathe! thanks again to my super specialest friend whose vision of yay-firmations of all kinds on the walls really make the difference: a 6' X 4' poster of me as a brutal adolescent and my degree from Mills College and my Ministry Credentials plus a certificate that reminds me of my mission...I WIN. i didn't know how much these elements were missing until they were strategically inserted.

furthermore, it must be said that SPACE is a crucial concept where all of this is concerned. if i know Dr. Maisel this will be addressed in a future chapter. i have tended to allow myself to be distracted by things out of my control and spin instead of getting down to the writing (see where i say i have a piss poor memory?) all kinds of writing that is the best tool for me to focus - i am reminded to channel my creative anxiety into my work- the words! rather than spinning out on intangibles and overdramatizing emotional episodes- i should be writing darlings! this does not mean that i do not feel- it means that i do not surf away on waves of emotion. give it a time and a PAGE and get to the writing work. consider it channeled. here i am in the chair, taking the space i need to read and write and move forward with valuing my self and pursuing my dream.

clearing and remembering.
like my dad always says-
it doesn't hurt forever.
the hardest part is showing up.
don't shit your pants.

hearing

an apt title for the post as i am not only hearing as receiving the messages the universe and my friends and my gut and my brain are broadcasting at 11. and i am actually acting on it. i have taken steps to unravel the emotional quagmire i find myself wrapped up in. which brings me to the next operative definition of hearing- as in the preliminary examination of an event before a trial. often this is the more arduous or at least stressful because what follows is either straight forward or anything goes, but it's the place where you just don't know.

so i am here taking time to unravel myself from somebody else. the good part was great, where we got all wrapped up tight in each other's red flags- RED! MY FAVORITE COLOR! and then you lose balance and it doesn't work for somebody, usually both but somebody calls TIME! or well it doesn't matter- the fact remains that here i am getting to know myself again, grieving the dash of my hopes and missing someone who has become my best friend and special specific source of support.

i've had to miss people a lot in my life. i have had to face the end of relationships- and here i am again except this time i am being proactive- i am demanding a heathy course of events for myself. the only trouble is, it's not all bad. it's not cut and dried run for the hills- it's just not healthy now and not going to work anytime soon. but these are all symptoms anyway- back to the real situation-
i have to take care of myself and my daughter. it's scary that is. it means moving forward while accepting the fact that the only one to watch over me is me. (funny theme song for one as strong and courageous with a cape as me- SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME). and now here i have confronted so much of my stuff in these past 6 months of support unlimited so i feel like a reptile - emotionally molting with no one to make sure i don't get eaten.

SPOILER ALERT! here comes the over share, so if the drivel is already too much, sign off now! i won't take offense- this is really for me anyway... i am having to spend time with myself. but you are a writer you say- yes i am. and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. yesterday and this morning i had to put on some pretty heartless hip-hop music in order to keep the Hurricane Katrina of tears from flying out of my face. music has such an incredible effect on me- weeping, grieving, finding myself back at square one, albeit with better tools than the last time i was here, but alone again, naturally.

and it's all good. i can do this- it's just the pain being so intense as to have crumbling to the ground weeping like i lost not one but both of my dogs. and i didn't. what i have gained is an opportunity to keep my word to myself about my writing, to get my home and heart and head in order. to heal myself and to try again. to really become the person i want to be with- both in myself as well as the one i want to attract to strike up this partnership- because truth be told, underneath it all- on the market today i am no prize.

i'm not losing anything- i am lucky enough to have one of the best friends ever. he is really a giving, lovely, true, brave man who loves me dearly- i am also lucky that he brought enough honesty and boundaries to the table to keep both of us in line. the bratty sassy bitchy ungrateful part of me says- I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BEST FRIEND. but that's a lie- i just wanted to meet my travel companion, my creative partner. he can be those things too, he just can't be my boyfriend. it's cool. i get it.