hearing

an apt title for the post as i am not only hearing as receiving the messages the universe and my friends and my gut and my brain are broadcasting at 11. and i am actually acting on it. i have taken steps to unravel the emotional quagmire i find myself wrapped up in. which brings me to the next operative definition of hearing- as in the preliminary examination of an event before a trial. often this is the more arduous or at least stressful because what follows is either straight forward or anything goes, but it's the place where you just don't know.

so i am here taking time to unravel myself from somebody else. the good part was great, where we got all wrapped up tight in each other's red flags- RED! MY FAVORITE COLOR! and then you lose balance and it doesn't work for somebody, usually both but somebody calls TIME! or well it doesn't matter- the fact remains that here i am getting to know myself again, grieving the dash of my hopes and missing someone who has become my best friend and special specific source of support.

i've had to miss people a lot in my life. i have had to face the end of relationships- and here i am again except this time i am being proactive- i am demanding a heathy course of events for myself. the only trouble is, it's not all bad. it's not cut and dried run for the hills- it's just not healthy now and not going to work anytime soon. but these are all symptoms anyway- back to the real situation-
i have to take care of myself and my daughter. it's scary that is. it means moving forward while accepting the fact that the only one to watch over me is me. (funny theme song for one as strong and courageous with a cape as me- SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME). and now here i have confronted so much of my stuff in these past 6 months of support unlimited so i feel like a reptile - emotionally molting with no one to make sure i don't get eaten.

SPOILER ALERT! here comes the over share, so if the drivel is already too much, sign off now! i won't take offense- this is really for me anyway... i am having to spend time with myself. but you are a writer you say- yes i am. and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. yesterday and this morning i had to put on some pretty heartless hip-hop music in order to keep the Hurricane Katrina of tears from flying out of my face. music has such an incredible effect on me- weeping, grieving, finding myself back at square one, albeit with better tools than the last time i was here, but alone again, naturally.

and it's all good. i can do this- it's just the pain being so intense as to have crumbling to the ground weeping like i lost not one but both of my dogs. and i didn't. what i have gained is an opportunity to keep my word to myself about my writing, to get my home and heart and head in order. to heal myself and to try again. to really become the person i want to be with- both in myself as well as the one i want to attract to strike up this partnership- because truth be told, underneath it all- on the market today i am no prize.

i'm not losing anything- i am lucky enough to have one of the best friends ever. he is really a giving, lovely, true, brave man who loves me dearly- i am also lucky that he brought enough honesty and boundaries to the table to keep both of us in line. the bratty sassy bitchy ungrateful part of me says- I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BEST FRIEND. but that's a lie- i just wanted to meet my travel companion, my creative partner. he can be those things too, he just can't be my boyfriend. it's cool. i get it.