full blue eclipse

looking forward. surrendering all of the bags full of crap from the past 3+ decades at the border and moving forward beyond the gate into the magic of a full blue eclipsing moon.

Put the power of change to good use- promising to remember everyday to actively value myself to the ultimate benefit of the world around me. Those who know can testify and those who don't yet must trust, that coming from me this is not some self-serving trickle down scheme but a take care of myself in order to be of more quality service.

It seems as I review old journal entries and find affirmation and inspiration through information that two notions insist with persistence: remembering and resisting.

If only i could remember on a daily basis that exercise and economy rock, always and all ways. Tools that rule fool! By exerting my body and control over the myriad other resources I have, duh, living life at maximum capacity can be sustainable and full. Money would flow or at least not seem to vaporize to the dark side. By imposing the same rigor on my emotions- WARNING to those unaware, when I am not busy fighting crimes against the fairer sex, there is a wily girl at the wheel with 'woe is me' blasting through crackling speakers!~ but I digress...~ the tick-tock of time and accumulation of funky long face footage filling the mighty memory banks of my mind, well it's just not really the best use of space.

I pledge to give myself what I need and plenty of it. Remember that life tends toward- INSERT DEEP REAFFIRMING THOUGHT HERE BECAUSE TRY AS I MIGHT I CAN'T FIND MINE.

rather than risk resisting some good old fashioned editing- I will close here with a pledge to work on building a stronger core and to engage in more of the hard work, to be the best mom and me known. Loving myself is a daily activity not something I can put on layaway. Here's to love.

11

real, true, genuine friends are there to be the eyes that see what you can't see. not unlike trying to plug your ear with your elbow, you can get close, but you don't ever really see yourself. even more than to see, a real friend is the one who articulates you to you and you walk away hand in hand anyway. friends aren't all about laughs or even fun. in fact it's my closest friends that share my worst memories. it's the sharing while you're traversing those pothole pocked roads and either crying, laughing or finally breathing once it's all shrinking away in the distance in the rear view mirror. those are the folks you want in your corner, the ones you keep safe in your heart.

i'm super lucky and extra grateful because though i do a lot for my friends, maybe sometimes too much-- they are not afraid to say, yo! darlin' you are kickin' it up past 11 again and while I LOVE LOVE LOVE you, it's a lot, can we turn the magnificent dial down a bit? and wow, how many of us are lucky enough to know how it feels to get checked? what i'm talking about goes a few marks beyond tough love, we're talking tossed back straight and tall, no salt or lime training wheels- and maybe even some bad attitude or a headache to keep the memory alive past the initial burn. these are brave people i tell you- i pride myself on going above and beyond as the rule- i am a stellar friend of the first order, real blue ribbon, not counting the exceptions to my rule of course... and those of you with court-side season tickets, well the action can get a bit overwhelming, chaotic and more flavorful than gumbo the day after.

it's all good. i get it. trust me, i've been headliner, roadie and manager for a long time. it's a lot, no doubt about it- but then again, we can't all be supercharged all the time-- and damn, that's the price you pay for priceless. yay i say, yay- and i promise to keep adjusting the gauges as needed- don't want to blow my speakers or my fanbase for that matter.

if i knew i was going to live this long...

i wouldn't do a damn thing differently. let's just get that out of the way. rather, i am thankful for so many things. the first thing i can think of is how lucky to grow up with the Beastie Boys (Paul Revere from Licensed to Ill is blasting right now), Run-DMC (you’re a 5 cent boy and I’m a million dollar man), LL Cool J (ROCK THE BELLS), Public Enemy (make the miracle, pump the lyrical...BRING THE NOISE) and so many other FANTABULOUS funky beat masters to make up the soundtrack of my youth- thank you Def Jam! but I digress...

Again I cannot deny the pressure and blessing of staring down the barrel of 40 years old. Oh hell yes I said it out loud, and proud with a big beat my friends- every rockin' luscious minute of it! This is the sweet spot kids- you're not afflicted with the bad attitude of your teens or the not-really-bullet-proof-am-i-but-i'm-gonna-act-like-it approach of your twenties, or I shouldn't-i-know-by-now learning curve of the thirties. It's here that I'm so not old yet, but i have infinite wisdom from all those mistakes i made- lots of them- few repeats- rather I went for the variety pack and made all different kinds! I don't think I have experienced a conventional day in my life. Nope, no white wedding, the only picket fence I've know was the one that was swung at me on the way home from school in 4th grade. True love, maybe? Love that was true in the moment, sure, a whole bunch of times! and happy to say i still love them all with perhaps two exceptions and even they keep a soft spot. i know how to forgive, maybe next lifetime i'll learn how to forget...

this time in my life is all about running the last lap of my youth and not missing a milestone- treating my body like a temple instead of a ride to the next adventure. i have been doing yoga off and on since i was 17, now i am training myself to do the slackline in Yosemite and the trapeze. just today after an inexcusable fitness hiatus i was able to do crow pose (balancing on the backs of my arms) and i walked half way across the slackline. even earned a little scrape on my ankle- that's the progress i love. to top it off i am working as a writer. my daughter is healthy and my family- though it's a sort of Partridge Family for the millenium- 3 single moms each with a daughter and a full fabulous life- we are here for each other in ways that i think only true and dreamy family can be.

my way is likely not the way for very many, if any. but tell me nay-sayers, you who might judge me (get in line! on the dark days nobody could judge and begrudge me more than me!) for raising a girl without a dad, for not settling for some mediocre idea of what long term grown up love should be, or anybody who subscribes to the teensy tiny life of shoulds and should nots- how could i do this better? I am teaching my daughter and the world around me by being and doing.

Wild and imperfect, with no shame about living an enormous and effervescent life. And I fully intend to keep doing so, every single day I am able.

bounce into balance

slacklining today. total body workout engaging everything i can think of, from the deepest cerebral crevices inside my head down to my in dire need of a pedicure rough and tumble toes. seems like you're jumping up and falling down on a rope. it's more. breaking a sweat- i don't sweat for the record, before an half hour was closed. wrapped up the super fun simple informative class with an inspirational DVD introducing Libby Saulter the first woman to cross a Yosemite slack line almost 3K' above the valley. I so want to do that before I turn 40. Slackline and trapeze- that's how i need to be. i loved it when i first did it in my ratty little Rheem backyard- now i get it. haha.

tonight though i just need to go to sleep. so much to do in a week. excited to be able to get better and better so closet to home- it's such a great way to work out and have some crazy Peter Pan fun balancing on a rope. it's all about muscle memory- i love the idea of developing new and powerful memories with my muscles at this age. Bridges Rock Climbing gym in E Cerrito- a sauna, slacklines, bouldering and rock climbing plus cardio and gym equipment.

The missing piece was pumping up the volume with my Private Coach software- I can't trust the Wii to set up my workout and nutrition program- finally i can keep track of what i'm doing inside and out. yay.

Gratitude, Bee Gees Radio and the Return of the Tornado

Not like the hippie self-love-your-universe cult restaurant intends it, to be sure. What i'm all about today is not digging down to figure out what I want or need in order to assuage my heart and be able to move through the downtown of my soul with a smile oozing out from my face-- more like using my whole arm to scrape off the surface of a chaotic and crowded with work shit desk, like I would imagine Lou Grant did back in the day.

Today I was absolutely wrecked tired from too few hours of sleep, my body happy sore from hours of dancing my fool ass off with The Uptones and The English Beat (you'll read all about my Friday night in Skid Rosa later) but managed to tumble in to acupuncture and start the day healing myself.

Inspired by the movie WAITRESS (one of my new top faves) and a fridge overflowing with organic and tasty beyond belief veggies and eggs nearly hand plucked from some unassuming hen's vent, long story shorter-- if i didn't roll up a little inspiration all this amazing food would go bad, wasting money, time and God's bounty. Not gonna happen if I can help it. It's Saturday- I most certainly can help it. So I push it all aside and mozy on over to Berkeley Bowl and gather up all the extra goodness required for homemade egg and spinach pasta, prosciutto, tomato and chevre quiche and coconut milk pumpkin pie. Yup, the bitch is back.

I've had this thing going on- my body was taken over by a not so mysterious situation and due to the insidious nature of such things it took me close to 6 months to determine that it just was not cool and was going to require drastic measures to come correct. And correct it I have- that thing that makes my smile and my thing mine, it was misplaced and distorted- and not it's not. this brings me to this magical time in the kitchen.

here i am in my kitchen=- sometimes the girls are here with me- at any moment that can mean one or two dogs, one or two English twins or a little girl ranging in age from 4 1/2 to 23 months. that's the hen house folks. this is the family i have created, not counting the exclusive membership made up of folks who know who they are and are sorely missed when they are not around- scour the globe- you'll find them. but I don't want to be like so many of these songs blasting and bemoaning what could have been - this 70's and 80's ballads and bumpable boogie riffs that trained and probably train wrecked me on how love goes down. it's not about that's all you got, but i want and need and deserve all of this and i if don't have it exactly as my wishing and weeping heart desires, then i must be settling so go away because i am saving that parking spot for Prince Charming and his Valiant steed. It's the same message I go at the Princesses on Ice the other night- well I say POO POO!

I say Poo Poo because right now I am so damned happy. I have sooo much- I am at the fabulous intersection of my life where I have a bounty of experience and skill and wisdom that i get to bring with me to a time in my chronology that is more than accommodating to me starting from scratch and moving into the next volume to do and be and make even more.
I mean after all- what is it I have to say to these kids who crave cookies and cartoons every moment, you can't have that now. So maybe I should turn it on myself- the romance and luxury and intimacy and comfort and cash- you can't have that right now. I have it, and sometimes it's better than I could dream of and sometimes it's a total surprise. I have the best friends- my family- anybody could ask for. I have the freedom and support to go out and let my hair down or pull it all up and work my tail off to make it happen. And just when I think I can't take it anymore, I get super goodies and can breathe a sigh of relief-- then I have to let it go until next time. I don't know anybody else (except one of my roommates) who really has it all like I do. So the moral of the story is to not be so convinced by the power of music and myth, move through your day knowing that you have it all- just not right now and not all at the same time.

throw back hero stuff

another inspiring movie. i was swaying with them skating in and out and around the track. i saw Drew Barrymore's Whip It tonight. i'm always a sucker for a movie i see by myself, especially at night in the city. the first time a movie left me with this distinct sensation and profound impression was Gus Van Zant's MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO at the Lumiere- in at the afternoon and out with a great crowd at Twilight. I still don't know if it was a great movie or it was just the moment i was saturated with. Doesn't matter. it's sometimes why (like the vowels- get it, sometimes y!>) I have to see a movie at the theatre twice, to know if i am impressed or impressionable. i think this is why movie theatres will always be around. but i thought that about the UC theatre too- these are my digressions.

how cool to see a movie about girls, women, whomever, that is honest and real and true and doesn't show them getting raped or treated like idiots or slaves or being otherwise disrespected by men or each other. it also wasn't so soft or girly that your teeth hurt and you felt like you were being manipulated. it was about how it's okay to be whatever kind of tough ass girl you want to sometimes. i guess you could say acceptance. i just know that i was only a couple of years older than Ellen Page's character when i shaved my head, donned Guatemalan military issue combat boots, fishnets and my grandmother's leather jacket to be a bad ass in SF doing performance art and producing an independent film- 16mm black and white before digital. making art. being smart. traveling. getting fitted for hipness that started where my graceful non-conformity as a Gaucho broke off. that place in your factory assembly where you have to sort out how much of your family of origin to scrape and shave off to be prepped for the new family of seeking adolescent vagabond bohemian artist types you adopt.

this is why i believe in reincarnation. i have had so many such lives- so many intersections of the soul. life configurations that shift and unfold like the beads refracted in a kaleidoscope- like cartwheeling through the ether seeming to touch the sidewalk and function along the path where i am more falling along, swimming among the others in an inspired wakeful sleep. you fight for that move on the board- such conviction and well there you go, there's another all configured, waiting for you to tumble on to it.

Absolution for Compulsion and Conscience Confessed

How come I think it's okay, that's right I do, I must. How long will it last is the question, no? Hank can fuck anybody, but as long as he goes back to wondering and 'hankering' if you will for Karen, well that kind of redeems him for me because he still has some real love there.

What a dick I am. am I really hating out of my own inability to be so detached? it seems like by design it's my job to get in there so what else is there besides some empty desire to be empty about it all sometimes. But maybe that's another niche is to write the show that exposes the fallout from King Californication.

Jiminy Cricket Hank Moody. Every time. Don't You?

Scary Movie Masochist

what's up with the scary movie thing with folks who live in the hood? It's scary here. It's aggressive. I am looking forward to when I don't live in the Bay Area, when we live in a place that isn't scary. From Richmond to Oakland to San Francisco, to Berkeley and New York to New Orleans, I have always lived somewhere rough.

It's fun seeing scary movies with me. I get SUPER scared and scream in a high pitched shriek - Phantasm really and truly scares me in my soul fibers. It's not just sheer volume but authentic fear in my voice. the ridiculousness of it or maybe discomfort of someone else so openly afraid, at a movie. Often everyone there laughs out loud, as loud as I screamed.

The story goes that I stay freaked out the evening stretch after the movie is long dark and done. To watch them at home can be an even stronger unsettling of the mood. Shaken by the high adrenaline pumping throughout the movie- this mind you compounded by the fact that I am watching it in the hood. duh. just doesn't seem like an awful lot of fun when I am defensive as a baseline, let alone to try and make it happen on purpose extra?

I remember this feeling the first time at Easter when I saw the man-bunny in a suit ala Harvey meets Hef on the cover of my dad's Playboy. White Bunny- freaked me out, the next thing you know it's the twins in The Shining and the head in Donnie Darko. Shake me to my core. I am such an adrenaline junkie that I do it sometimes maybe for variety, keep it an option.

Princesses on Ice

*Tonight I did something I never thought I would do. I attended the great big kiddie cult Princess on Ice thing at the Oakland arena- immediately ghetto and ridiculous when they charge a huge amount of cash only for parking and make us do a 7 point U turn in order to get out of the parking queue. I took the girls to Will Call and switched them into surprise with Princess dress up garb.
These are all things that I have no reference for, nothing remotely close to this kind of thing. My childhood is peppered with the Concord Pavilion (Kingston Trio), George Benson in Tahoe and the Original WWF wrestling- Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant on the bill. We weren't a Princess friendly house. Unicorns, Pegasus, Barbie and purple were allowable.

She turns the car around in less than 12 moves and lets the girls and I out near a security outpost where we enter the grounds, careful weaving in and out of the weaving in and out jubilant Raider Nation wagons and tailgaters ecstatic about their home field advantage over the Eagles. I recognized the folks in that crowd- matched the vivid memories I have of the now memorable Philadelphia v. SF at Candlestick Park- LT. But the blend with the Princess gangs was priceless.

But the blending doesn't stop there. Most of the kids are from some sort of brown family- maybe because it's Oakland? California? Bay Area? doesn't matter but then fast forward through a performance where the majority of the cast is blonde, brunette and swarthy. With a couple of Asian exceptions and many players in masks and wigs- there were as far as I could tell no Latino/a or African-American people in the cast despite the opposite being true of the audience. Unbelievable.

The folks who are Disney Princess lovers, the folks who pay top dollar and then spend again at the get more stuff with Princesses on it for a lot of money Made in China kiosks. The obese American consumer sheep who are gobbling this stuff up.

And then I wonder, where do I draw the line? How do I keep my daughter safe without sterilizing her against this cult of personality that may or may not have indoctrinated and contaminated and reinforced with a thick seal my Happily Ever After Seeker programming. argh. darling Rach and I tried to have a feminist counterintelligence training conversation after the event- questioning the arrangements and real desires of all those paired off Princes and Princesses. Make sure the girls knew to consider that despite it's all happy bunches of roses now, maybe they change their minds or they change themselves or they don't change at all.
All of it blew my mind. I'm so glad I don't ever have to do that again. Lucky mama, Xoxa won't mind either.


(*I am going to try to write this whole post without actually acknowledging or including the corporate identifiers- let's see how it goes!)

why do you care?

it's what i think about whenever i watch something and want to keep watching or want to watch more. it's even easier than putting a book down, for me words get more of a shot. it's infinitely easier to say no thanks to a snack or choose another food stuff for lunch than it is to avoid or walk away from a conversation- just me and i digress...

i wonder why people get involved with the people they do- is it about filling in the gaps? my gaps or their gaps or both? it's not always about chasing a moving object- sometimes it's about the wonder of what if. what if i could be brave and real enough to be a shit like Larry David or Hank Moody? I don't know about all you girls but damn if he doesn't tell it like it is- a morning of awkward is better than a night of lonely? though we don't really see him lonely and he does seem to genuinely appreciate something about each of the women he defiles. but knowing that the women don't get to have feelings and that his heart does belong to someone- does she get to know that? what difference does it make? why would you want to be a passenger on a train that careens off its track every so often every day? why is that irresistible?

different track here- why do so many people like Sex and the City? who has any sense of familiarity or compassion or can relate to that? to any of them? i confess up front that i have not only seen most episodes broadcast, on DVD or in syndication with the expletives bleeped out- more than once! and the movie on a date! his choice! i think i even cut school. but there is something about the depiction of human relationships regardless of your footwear, financial station, career or sexual prowess that grips an audience when it is concocted correct.

this has always fascinated me. the WHAT. the making sense out of what people do and why the hell they do it despite how terminally moronic it might be, the if-loving-you-is-wrong-i-don't-want-to-be-right thing that i think defines humanity in a huge sense. if it weren't for this truth being told then a whole heaping hunk of my emotional reality wouldn't exist. i've been a musical masochist for every since I can remember- FEELINGS was an early one that my mom took away from me because i cried too much listening to it- now don't even get me started- perhaps i am addicted to heart ache or maybe i'm just like all of the other fools out there who just want those sensations hiding deep down inside to come out and play. is that why we like the dickheads and derelicts? do they rub us the wrong way and well who cares, maybe it's a case of i don't care how you rub me just rub me! and after all it's friction that gets teh job done isn't it?

the Waitress was not all warm and mooshy- she wasn't even really sweet and you could only feel so bad for her considering she didn't really seem to be trying so hard to get out of what made her so miserable. i don't know any movie that i like or any character that i respect that's so damn nice- freaks, fuckers and failures, i've got some for you. don't worry, no spoiler alert, this one coming right up is, well I ain't telling for once.

words. word.

today is brought to you by be careful what you ask for. way too much to write. about that. not sure where to start or what to stick to, or am I? there is the should list. obvious to the most casual observer that any revenue generating assignments (not this to be sure) are at the top of the list. these are the pieces that will help lower the blood pressure and contribute to the sustainability of daily life for my daughter and I as well as the writing career itself. but wait- there's more! let's talk about the distinctions that qualify immediately revenue generating vs. shorter term vs. long term vs. aspirational. of course i just want to write this right now. anything to help me clear some of the what, huhn'?

the good news is that there are immediately revenue generating items on the list! that is as soon as i create and submit a proposal to the wonderful folks at Digital Environment (www.private-coach.com) I will be hard at work. in fact if you could see the other windows open on my happy apple computer right now you would see that i am not just futzing around playing remote cafe worker but i am diligently stringing together words for submission to existing and potential clients alike. all the while sucking down as much caffeinated goodness as my system will allow.

anybody reading this need any writing work done? certainly my busy busy busy update here should not be taken as a wow she doesn't have time to be creative or innovative for me and my fabulous idea- rather know that there is enough of my fabulous brain to go around.

Holla!

see what i'm sayin'?

Check this out...
I am looking for work. Yes, as a writer- a versatile, talented, creative, strategic, intelligent, clever, resourceful WRITER. I want to be paid. I want to work with words, people and projects. Doesn't seem too far fetched until you discover what the economy has done to deteriorate my value in the market...

We are an engineering society; non-profit under the IRS code 501 (c)(3). We work with science and engineer members from about 50 countries. We organize and hold very successful large annual international conference and several biennial symposia alternating in North America, Europe and Asia, and publish conference/symposium proceedings of peer-reviewed papers. We also publish a quarterly scholarly journal of peer-reviewed papers.

We are looking for a mature, self-motivated, highly-organized, detail-oriented individual with fluent English (both writing and speaking) to work in a small, professional office environment.

Some of the duties for the society operation and conference include:

• Support Executive Director and editor-in-chief with various tasks
• Work independently as well as with other staff
• Copyediting and some Web/Editing
• Help prepare conference/symposium programs and put together conference/symposium proceedings, updating the existing templates.
• Logging in abstracts, papers, reviews and related files
• Communicating with authors, peer reviewers, editors, printing company staff and Society members
• Interfacing with printers and vendors
• Processing of publications orders received by email, phone, fax or postal mail
• Travel to conference site once or twice a year to oversee onsite management (about one week at a time)
• Data entry and maintenance of database files

Some of the requirements are:
• 4-year college degree from a U.S. university or college.
• Proficient in Microsoft Office (Word, Excel, Outlook, Access), Acrobat, and working knowledge of HTML and Web/Editing tools etc.
• Good working knowledge of Web/internet
• Professional copy writing and editing experience
• Typing speed of 60 WPM or better

International, cultural understanding is helpful, library experience and a little bit of understanding Japanese or Korean can be a plus, though not required.

The position is part-time to begin with (about 6 hours per day with flexible hours) and can lead to a full time position.

• Compensation depending on qualification
• Location: Mountain View office
• Principals only
• No phone calls



* Compensation: depending on qualification
* This is at a non-profit organization.
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.



PostingID: 1401812586

$2 or two dollars!

I wasn't paying enough attention to really know how it all went down. Downhill so fast and so far that is. Maybe it was craigslist itself- or was it free email accounts or... (that's punctuation for a drumroll) BLOGS! seems like giving everybody access to a keyboard and a potential audience made writing for the internet some sort of a generic equivalent. Just like so many other aspects of our society the gap has grown- the limited options are to give your heart and soul and precious time either writing for pennies or less or you can make any random amount of money working as a freelancer producing you name it.

what really gets me are the we will pay you $2 to create a blog entry or write an online article. maybe i am just not the writer these folks who can do this and get paid are. i suspect it's the opposite. i want to take them and shake them- i really have nothing against the folks who will pay them because they can get away with it. there is no reason anyone should accept that-they are ruining it for those of us with some integrity.

it doesn't matter what i write- whether it's a love letter, text message, screenplay, short story or Tweet- it has to be thoughtful, relevant and appropriate. i can't just squeeze those out of nowhere. i wonder, do web or graphic designers and photographers have the same issues? is this what the digital age is doing? i know film is suffering the same.

dumbing down for dollars. for shame.

need to get away?

i do. i have so much to do. so much that i really want to do. so much that i wish i could check out in order to check in with myself- to figure out where to put what and why what is where and why i am allowing, insisting, enduring and surrendering to distraction. why i wait for the other foot to drop on my heart and walk all over my soul.

I have set it up over the years to allow for no room, no opportunity for slowing down, for reflection or for gathering and recharging in order to be able to move forward as the strong, activated and capable woman i demand.

it would seem i have set myself up for failure. but really it's mostly about the human and social distractions that i succumb to. the choices i make on a daily basis-- why don't i choose the high road and honestly move forward with the people and activities and energy who make positive contributions to my pursuits? i'm no sociopath. my involvement in anything mandates joy and love- how is it that i can hand myself over to time drains and psychic vampires? people places and things who don't contribute to my bottom line or at least to my heart and well being?

i get stuck in making things happen. things that are just too hard, therefore they obviously aren't working. but my dreams die hard so there goes the indelible spirit attached to the hopeless. i suppose it makes sense that i have pit bulls- not hard to see where i refuse to let go despite even the magic 8 ball prophesying failure. once it's burned a hole in my soul- the healing isn't so ready or steady.

must get to work on my stuff since a weekend at the spa just isn't an option!

15 Films

15 Films in 15 minutes- must preface with how inadequate this list will be by virtue of the 15 limit.

1. A Bout Souffle (Breathless- Jean Luc Godard)
2. Grease
3. Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons
4. Titus
5. The Big Lebowski
6. Good Fellas
7. Love With a Perfect Stranger
8. Cronaca di Amore (Antonioni's first film)
9. Arabian Knights (Pasolini)
10. Sherribaby
11. True Romance
12. Love Story
13. Wild Strawberries (Bergman)
14. Exterminating Angel (Bunuel)
15. Abre los Ojos (NOT Vanilla Sky)

My next post will be all about the why and the films that come up that didn't make this first 15...

process people, it's a process

it's one of those things that unless you do it, you don't get it. it is the ultimate you had to be there. and by there, i mean in there. the masses of amazing people who consumer, enjoy, delight in watching movies, reading books and listening to music are as integral to the process as the act of creating itself. however, as one of those creators (perhaps aspiring is more accurate until i grow a more substantial following of consumers) who is often confronted with why don't you just do it, why don't you do more and more often... it isn't that easy.
in fact i am surprised and you ask almost any writer/composer/director - we'll lump them as creator for our purposes here- and they might just tell you that it is astounding that there are as many quality books/movies/music etc. out there as there are.

last night it was as gratifying as it was frustrating to hear an audience of fans pressing Quentin Tarantino about his product (mostly Inglorious Basterds as it was the premiere, but his other work as well) past, present and future. With few exceptions the inquiries probed scratched about as if QT had been blessed by Fairy Godmother of movies and that he has only to open his mouth and the script appears ready-to-wear, or even that he hangs out smoking joints before he sits down and simply chunks it out, well aware of not only the beginning, middle and end but the cool bits that fill it out. The fan base and my own consumer group too seem to take the concept of INSPIRATION- the act of drawing in to the lungs- quite literally. More than four times he had to preface his reply with- I didn't know that when i started. That wasn't my original intention. I've been working on this for more than 10 years. I don't know yet.- and the like.

The questions all seemed to assume that a project starts with an idea- and that the finished project is a destination with the idea as a map. He used a few good analogies - it's like knowing where someone's house is and you can get there, but that doesn't mean you can give directions, you have no map and you probably won't take the most direct route there. You know where you are now, you think you know or remember what the house looks like but you can't confirm with detail until you get there. He also equated the writing process to mountain climbing- you don't just walk to the top of Everest- you have to prepare, you have to adjust along the way to things you can't predict and it never looks or feels like you think it will once you reach the top. Then there is dealing with your success once you have arrived and descend. (Okay, so most of that is me adding my own embellishment, but you can see where his original nuggets are, no?)

The best part for me was sitting so close, making eye contact throughout and asking the only writing process related question and observation. Likely he has forgotten the red-head in the front row of the incredible Castro Theatre at his first San Francisco premiere, wearing the hot pink SUPER PISTOLS t-shirt who hasn't seen all of his movies but totally groks his writing process. alas, i'm confident we'll cross paths again and then i can give him my own sage advice- it's never Frisco.

having it all

wow. it was such a secret low hushed whisper that i couldn't be sure that it even registered with the universe, let alone to manifest let alone to come to my as a rule easily distracted attention. but it has. all of it.

that's right- and perhaps they will even read this as they google me when i make the cut of folks they consider for the position- there is a job opening at one of my top companies to work for- BENEFIT COSMETICS. not that i am some random make-up or retail maven- no that's not it- better than that, find what works, why and love it. i know about the competition, i know why they have caught me and kept me. from the product and packaging to the marketing and advertising- why their approach to branding and presentation has put them at the forefront of their market- with almost everybody else either following the lead or stepping as far away as possible in order to catch whatever audience is left over.

the line between relevance and irreverence, written with eyeliner and underlined with glitter! why am i all about it? is it because they present their face cream with copy like DEAR JOHN, I'VE MOVED ON AND THIS CREAM HAS DONE MORE FOR ME DAY AND NIGHT THAN YOU EVER DID! oh hells yes, it starts there with such an irresistible hook, certainly. BENEFIT- even the name is something so simple and just shy of obvious- make-up isn't magic and it shouldn't make false promises either. or worse than false promises, me as a savvy consumer (okay, so i'm a professional- as a writer that is) I am turned off by any product that offers something unattainable, as in a personality, lifestyle or look that is as MC Hammer would say- CAN'T TOUCH THIS. I am not 6 feet tall, i am not going to look like a supermodel, movie star or anybody in the periphery / proximity- nor do I want to! How many of you would laugh at me if i did my eyes to look like Iman or Angelina Jolie? no chance of me emerging from my inadequate residential lighting even close to camera ready- especially the point and shoot digital variety. Enter BENEFIT. They offer options- just like you do with the products themselves- it's all about the blend that's right for you- and rather than some fantasy personality- they provide a guide- a persona- camp- vamp -tramp! if you aren't peeking into one of these windows, shopping for something you can actually wear out in your life, then no it isn't for you. but i tell you- what it is- it's real. it's clever and it's fun. what else should make-up you actually wear be?

wish me luck. getting this job- would be a good old fashioned move, chances are i will be there for a long long time- like Darren on Bewitched!

learning to love the Twilight saga though it may prove to be my undoing

it was easy. albeit uncomfortable. each book was easier to devour than the one before it. the installments grew progressively longer~ the first wasn't even 500 pages! by the time i reached the 4th and supposedly final book- just under 800 pages~ waiting in the darkness for a friend to drop it just before midnight. i gobbled it up like a vampire drains its prey, in under 72 hours.

not unlike a vegetarian vampire, my affection for Edward (his refined, gentleman's behaviors, including his ability to express his unwavering love, with song, restraint, generosity, passion and focus) will keep me sated for a spell, but my seemingly unquenchable thirst will reveal itself once the magic of an absorbing novel has been washed away by some of the nasty side effects of my own mortality~ time and craving for companionship.

so now i fear an old age surrounded by books as Edward may be limited to the page. not sure if the moral high ground it espouses - purity is rewarded with TLF~ is inaccessible to reformed hedonists like me. or is the word offered as there is somebody for everyone and patience with faith will provide the secret recipe to imprinting a mate. really it's not about all that- just a good solid partner: a handsome man who is accepting, loving, at least as strong, generous, educated, smart, compassionate, talented, adventurous, courageous, stylish and vibrant as me...or in short, a good fit for the long haul. men with expirations dates, Peter Pan, man-child afflictions wearing scaredy pants need not inquire.

the good news is, despite the undeniable and overwhelming pulpy qualities of the series', the depth, intricacies and overall superior quality of the story and each of the stories woven in, is INCREDIBLE. I have spent the bulk of my years as a reader avoiding supermarket checkout line literature~ but these books make me want to chat with Stephenie Meyer about her process; what did it look like when she started? did she outline? did she know who was going to end up with whom? what changed over time? where did she get blocked and why? what would she change now?

i am motivated to write my own. that is only reason i am not grieving the vampire and shape-shifting family i have come to know and love. they infected me- i was bitten- i only put the books down out of absolute necessity. and now i can only endure the separation because of my desire or instinct or motivation...to write my own*.

*I have no intention or inspiration to write vampire, shape-shifter, supernatural novels. I am a writer of good old realist-ish fiction. but damn if the Twilight saga hasn't pushed me to another level. you never know what shape the muse will take...and not that this will throw cupid on the path or anything but i know that as soon as i surrender to my own heart pursuits, wheni can really focus inside on the quiet, i'll hear him knocking...

Quiet Still Room

talking, collecting, caring for, busy, productive, projects, information, talking~ all of it a ready distraction that fills up my space and controls the time and energy. welcome to duh moment number 9,302,475,098,103,094.

i haven't ever been the brooding, quiet in the corner taking it all in writer. i am the one who spins from the center of the storm, who bemoans the drama and life excesses with a pledge to not live the stories but write them. no surface in my house, no page of calendar or moment in my day doesn't have some thing poised and prepped for filling up whatever space might present itself.

this insistence on filling up not only pretty well guarantees that the unexpected, you know, where the magic lives, don't have much of a chance, rather the miracles need miracles themselves in order to manifest in my life. ouch.

i have done some great work on opening up space recently- in my home. my heart, not so much~ more a healing place, but that's the work to make the room, right?

time to break out the Rilke. time to listen to my own advice and impose even greater routines so the muses and their bags of miracles will know when and where to find me. it's called the open space of the soul required to stop, look and listen to the QUESTIONS. and if you are lucky ~ you will live long enough to know and revel in the answers.

Strong* (*warning emotional woe-is-me over share inside)

I cannot tell you how tired i am of being strong. I have been strong my entire life. I have dealt with unsolicited advances from the time i was a child, unwanted responsibilities and inappropriate situations from before i knew how to pronounce let alone spell or understand these concepts. I was always the one who has pretty and smart and quiet and strong so i required no worry. "SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF".

and so it goes. yes i can. yes i have. yes i will. but can you imagine what it is like to be 9 years old dealing with sex, drugs and assholes? the bottom line is i was taking care of people from the time i was 4 years old- first my brother (who i love and would not change one moment of the time i have spent sharing my life with him- except the times i hurt him) then my parents because it was clear from Jump Street that they needed support- so instead of acting like a 4 year old and placing myself at the center of the universe and learning how to integrate others i started off speaking everybody else as a first language. '

i still do it. i'm not as bad as some but it has effected my own personal values and sense of self. i know enough to put my mask on first and i have a great family and relatives who keep me in check, but that doesn't mean that when it serves somebody they won't stop me from giving until i got no more.

right now i just want to get a minute to breath. and i want a few moments, hours to pretend like i have everything in the world that my heart desires. that i'm special. that i'm taken care of. that someone will catch me if i fall, not just pick me up after i hit the ground! that i deserve the effort, the special grooming, the thoughtful gesture, the expense, the time, the sacrifice and all that. these are things i have sampled as in wine tasting- never truly trusted i could feast. i deserve this. i know i do.

is that too much to ask? i figure that my heart is broken and i'm over stressed regardless so the come down from my little pretend time won't be so much unhealthy or damaging as it will be the contrast i really need in order to get to my healthy and powerful good back to being stronger than you would really ever expect anybody to be but you expect it of me, self.

and i will continue to be strong. to be all that and make the life i dream of a daily reality. raise an incredible daughter. write the TV show and 3 screenplays (actually i think it's up to 4 now) and novel and short stories i carry around between my ears. and get my shit together- fiscal and physical responsibility and health. all of these are hinging on my spirit- that is being addresses first as soon as i can and as i can.

i am grateful for my friends who are my family and yes i can be strong-- just please understand if i take a minute to be weak.

40 years

irony is defined today by the trouble my parents' (and my brother's for that matter) incessant anniversaries cause me. you see i suffer from pioneer syndrome- i am the first in my family to travel, with the exception of minimal vacations and immigration... i am the first to not settle down with my true love. by no stretch am i suggesting that a- settling down is easy b- that there is anything wrong with what i have done. to the contrary.

my observation is meant as nothing more than that. something accepted so blithely by all- congratulations in order for a job well done- would you think it might have a negative side? there are no negatives for them, my parents continue to spend time together and love each other like teen agers who will have to dream about each other after curfew and endure the stretches apart between classes. they have lunch everyday. they cook dinner together. they sleep curled up like 2 spoons in a drawer despite snoring and one hot while the other is cold. sounds like a win for everybody, 'eh?

the invisible downside is their eldest child's inability to meet let alone match with anyone. before i tuned in to my gut i went on 2 1/2 year stretches before the relationship disintegrated. more recently the expiration date has been at about the 6 month mark. and i try try again.

because this true love i was raised with and watched my brother carve out with his high school sweetheart has both defined me and plagued me. for me the programming runs deep- as an emotional girl with a vivid imagination, there is nothing like HAPPILY EVER AFTER. and why shouldn't i? funny that, i never imagined a wedding, but played penthouse and traveler woman. i had a doorman and an elevator. 30 years later i had a baby on my own, knowing that if i was waiting for Prince Charming, it might never happen.

in the long run i can't help but feel that i am forgetting something- it always goes back to the partner. it's just not the same holding your own hand.

i'm working it out. i have a habit of hooking up with mr. bad timing; mr. red flag; mr. unavailable; mr. peter pan; mr. non-committal and mr. not right now...

alas, better luck next time. and so it goes. Happy Ruby Anniversary to Barbara & Gary- you did the best you knew how and i will take it / make it from here.

living with the questions

it still doesn't really make sense the way i want it to. though i can say that the moment of clarity has come. sad really that i have to get here in order to make the changes that are long overdue. of course i wouldn't be here at all if i had the kind of bravery i hope to be growing as a result of finding myself here again.

luckily i am a big supporter of forgiveness. it's not really so altruistic, it's for me. it's the way i get to move on. the forget part- i haven't read anywhere that it helps you to forget. i don't forget, sometimes it keeps me awake at night and sends me visiting the dank dark dungeon where my shadow self resides. it always creeps up when i am testing a new relationship- trying to weed out the squeamish, the faint at heart who out of self-preservation will run screaming (perhaps in silence) in terror, admitting their inability to provide the specific maintenance that a relationship with me will require. not high maintenance, but specialized and specific maintenance.

and despite an extended love furlough, listening to my gut and imposing unconventional boundaries- all kinds of new and unexplored ways of being with someone- protecting myself and remaining open- it all seemed so on the way- so almost there- so it's all good...until the gut kicked in and tried to message me that something is rotten in the state of Denmark! That i am not crazy. that i think something is amiss because it is!

so maybe i end up where i am time after time because i turn my gut down from the 11 it insists on broadcasting at, in order to accommodate my craving to replicate my upbringing, to mix and match up with somebody worthy of happily ever after. There are questions i have to ask if i am ever going to break this cycle of low self-worth i am perpetuating. Of course i wonder if there is some karmic tattoo i need to go inside and scrub away? how am i contributing to the long line of men who say they love me but end up dragging my heart behind the caboose of their non-committal freight train? listen to the need for control. pay attention to where i am at and make sure i am shaking the like attracts like until i like my like in this entanglement of likeness. remaining true to myself, to my dreams- making sure i just say no until that novel and TV Pilot and screenplay are written. and maybe even grad school. and living abroad. and enjoying Paris, and spending my 40th birthday in Greece or the Galapagos. and taking Xoxa around the world when she is 9.

as said on Dexter... people will lie all the time but your instinct will never fail you. time for me to really get acquainted with and value that inside space. the universe if perfect- i have nothing to be afraid of, love.

Green Eyes- Erykah Badu- Theme Music

Sometimes a song speaks a situation precisely. This is one of those songs.


"Green Eyes"

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I don't care, I swear
I'm too thru with you I am
You don't mean nothing to me
So go ahead and be with your friend

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

I'm insecure
But I can't help it
My mind says move on
My heart lags behind
But I don't love you any more
I'm so insecure
Never knew that love did this
Ooh, ooh

I can't remember the last time I felt this way
About somebody
You've done something to my mind
And I can't control it
But I don't love you any more
Yes I do, I think
Loving you is wrong baby
Ooh, ooh

La-di-da
Dum-dee-da-da
Dum-didi-da-da-da
Dum-didi-da-dum-di

I'm so confused
You tried to trick me yeah
Ooh, ooh, oh
Never knew that love could hurt like this
Never thought I would but I got dissed
Makes me feel so sad and hurt inside
Feel embarrased so I want to hide
Silly me I thought your love was true
Change my name to Silly E. Badu
Before I heal, it's gonna be a while
I know it's gonna be a while, chile

[ad-libs]

I hope it's not too late
Too late, too late, too late
Feeling insecure
Your love has got me sore
I don't want no more

Oh, oh
It's too late, oh, oh ooh, ooh
I'm sorry I love you
At first it was cool
You told me you loved me too, ooh
And then you lost your love
And then you lost your love
And then you lost your love
You wanted me to go away
But I can't go
See I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late

Just make love to me
Just one more time and then you'll see
I can't believe I made a desparate plea
Believe me yeah, ye-ah, no, oh
You see I can't leave, it's too late
I can't leave, it's too late
Don't you know, I can't leave, it's too late
Can't go no where, no
It's too late
It's too late
It's too late
It's too late yeah
Come on babe

Don't you want be strong with me
You told me we could have a family
Want to run to me when you're down and low
But times get tough and there you go
Out the door, you wanna run again
Open your arms and you'll come back in
Wanna run cause you say your afraid, afraid

Never knew what a friendship was
Never knew how to really love
You can't be what I need you to
And I don't know why i fuck with you

I know our love will never be the same
But I can't stand the growing pains

old hurts comin' through shiny and new

i'm not sure when i am going to learn the lessons that i seem to trip over over and over and over again. here i am- zowee. different flavor but it's still heartbreak. funny how i felt it days before. i knew something was on the horizon. something drove me to begin the process of grieving and making sure i have what i need.
then the information is confirmed and like Michael Jackson's passing i am almost conflicted- surprised but i knew it was true and even saw it coming. i find my feet on the ground finally but i can't trust the view yet- my eyes have not adjusted to be able to know what is really what and to TRUST what i see.

these are my favorite new quotes...
Behavior is what a man does, not what he thinks, feels, or believes. (or tries to tell you! which brings us to our next quote)
Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell.
Thank you Emily Dickinson


now i know why grandma always says keep your legs closed, your eyes opened and listen to your gut.
in the end i win. no matter what.
haha. yay for me.

space

i am the luckiest girl in the world. i don't always have the best memory- that is i do not always remember and call on the experience of my blessings. but sometimes it's just about feeling it and taking that with you too, whatever it is.

today i am lucky because i am taking advantage of the space i have to write and create and organize. it hasn't always been like this. the evolution has included help from friends, especially one friend who has been strident in reminding me of my mission- I WIN. He also loaned me the machine i am working on. that's right friends and neighbors- i've gone to the bright side and now i use a MAC! but i digress...

in reading a book on A WRITER'S SPACE (i am a creative self-help junkie) this blog entry was to be devoted to how i assess, improve and/or create my work space. my church- where i 'pray poetry and praise prose' (thank you Dr. Eric Maisel) - where i report everyday to diligently apply bum glue that keeps me in my seat so the muses know where to find and infect my psyche with the goods that will eventually get me out of the rabbit holes i incessantly meander about in passive aggressive avoidance of my calling. keeping an unhealthy distance from the words and the messages and sometimes if i'm really honest- my own sanity.

so here is my first exercise- how cool- i already have the homework done! i just raised the gorgeous imac up to a more eye friendly height, lit a candle and some incense. aside from a few bits of tidying up and wrapping long overdue projects (all slated for completion on the new and improved visit it daily schedule) this space is really where i want it to be.

it's an amazing room. it's cozy and womb like. the desk started across the room and just didn't work. now it is against the chalkboard wall and who knows why but it's just right. the fancy chair and buddha reminding me to focus despite the struggle and breathe damn it breathe! thanks again to my super specialest friend whose vision of yay-firmations of all kinds on the walls really make the difference: a 6' X 4' poster of me as a brutal adolescent and my degree from Mills College and my Ministry Credentials plus a certificate that reminds me of my mission...I WIN. i didn't know how much these elements were missing until they were strategically inserted.

furthermore, it must be said that SPACE is a crucial concept where all of this is concerned. if i know Dr. Maisel this will be addressed in a future chapter. i have tended to allow myself to be distracted by things out of my control and spin instead of getting down to the writing (see where i say i have a piss poor memory?) all kinds of writing that is the best tool for me to focus - i am reminded to channel my creative anxiety into my work- the words! rather than spinning out on intangibles and overdramatizing emotional episodes- i should be writing darlings! this does not mean that i do not feel- it means that i do not surf away on waves of emotion. give it a time and a PAGE and get to the writing work. consider it channeled. here i am in the chair, taking the space i need to read and write and move forward with valuing my self and pursuing my dream.

clearing and remembering.
like my dad always says-
it doesn't hurt forever.
the hardest part is showing up.
don't shit your pants.

hearing

an apt title for the post as i am not only hearing as receiving the messages the universe and my friends and my gut and my brain are broadcasting at 11. and i am actually acting on it. i have taken steps to unravel the emotional quagmire i find myself wrapped up in. which brings me to the next operative definition of hearing- as in the preliminary examination of an event before a trial. often this is the more arduous or at least stressful because what follows is either straight forward or anything goes, but it's the place where you just don't know.

so i am here taking time to unravel myself from somebody else. the good part was great, where we got all wrapped up tight in each other's red flags- RED! MY FAVORITE COLOR! and then you lose balance and it doesn't work for somebody, usually both but somebody calls TIME! or well it doesn't matter- the fact remains that here i am getting to know myself again, grieving the dash of my hopes and missing someone who has become my best friend and special specific source of support.

i've had to miss people a lot in my life. i have had to face the end of relationships- and here i am again except this time i am being proactive- i am demanding a heathy course of events for myself. the only trouble is, it's not all bad. it's not cut and dried run for the hills- it's just not healthy now and not going to work anytime soon. but these are all symptoms anyway- back to the real situation-
i have to take care of myself and my daughter. it's scary that is. it means moving forward while accepting the fact that the only one to watch over me is me. (funny theme song for one as strong and courageous with a cape as me- SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME). and now here i have confronted so much of my stuff in these past 6 months of support unlimited so i feel like a reptile - emotionally molting with no one to make sure i don't get eaten.

SPOILER ALERT! here comes the over share, so if the drivel is already too much, sign off now! i won't take offense- this is really for me anyway... i am having to spend time with myself. but you are a writer you say- yes i am. and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. yesterday and this morning i had to put on some pretty heartless hip-hop music in order to keep the Hurricane Katrina of tears from flying out of my face. music has such an incredible effect on me- weeping, grieving, finding myself back at square one, albeit with better tools than the last time i was here, but alone again, naturally.

and it's all good. i can do this- it's just the pain being so intense as to have crumbling to the ground weeping like i lost not one but both of my dogs. and i didn't. what i have gained is an opportunity to keep my word to myself about my writing, to get my home and heart and head in order. to heal myself and to try again. to really become the person i want to be with- both in myself as well as the one i want to attract to strike up this partnership- because truth be told, underneath it all- on the market today i am no prize.

i'm not losing anything- i am lucky enough to have one of the best friends ever. he is really a giving, lovely, true, brave man who loves me dearly- i am also lucky that he brought enough honesty and boundaries to the table to keep both of us in line. the bratty sassy bitchy ungrateful part of me says- I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BEST FRIEND. but that's a lie- i just wanted to meet my travel companion, my creative partner. he can be those things too, he just can't be my boyfriend. it's cool. i get it.

listening and hearing the universe daily

i sometimes think that i understand what the universe is trying to get me to do. but how come i don't do it? aren't i the bravest strongest most courageous woman i know? don't i go for what life offers without hesitating? so what is up with being the person who has to miss my favorite people? it's been nearly 10 years now since i've been the person who sends folks on their way. no, scratch that, reverse it - i have ALWAYS been the one shipping them off. i was 16 and dropping my cousin off at the induction center when he went into to the Navy. Racing down highway 80 to drop Danielle at SFO was the first of now impossible to count bon voyages... so many friends making grand moves - at least from my little tiny view here in Richmond.

i ask myself- i have been asked- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN RICHMOND? i finally heard it recently- there is so much pain here. i want out. being here i have dug a hole of debt as a bad side of be here now to anesthetize myself from the sharper edges of my reality. for so many it's the bay area and it is and has everything and why would you want to leave? for me- i cannot let my daughter grow up here- there is so much here but there is something that i need to move on and away from - somethings i need to grow up and out from- feeling like i am a weed that is bursting from between the cracks in the cement- maybe now i am at least a dandelion and soon- my timeline is within the year- a parachute ball who will relocate via the wind to the place that is right for us.

i know i cannot go anywhere- i know where i want to go- i want to go somewhere and not run from anywhere. in order to do this i must stay the course and clean up here- clean up my house in order to be able to move on with a clean slate. i have avoided this so intensely for such a time now and meanwhile the carousel doesn't stop- time keeps on slipping into the future. i feel like a walking ampersand- twisted up, trying to move forward, balancing on a straight line. for a while today it seemed so doable! and now another piece of my heart is getting a passport stamped.

nobody is more excited than me for the people i love to go where they can thrive and live to their fullest. i just need to get on with my shit. i need to get on with my dreams- i need to listen to the universe every single day. i need to hear the universe telling me to take care of my business, to not be distracted or allow myself to veer away from making each moment count toward manifesting the reality i want and frankly demand for my daughter.

final thought before, maybe it will be happen when i demand it for me...

personal parenting revolution by way of Tehran via twitter

i admit that i don't pay nearly as much attention as i should or as much as i want to. today i was nearly swept away by a hormonal, stressed out, pressurized day. then i saw tweet after tweet and shades of green emerging from cracks in the graphics and damn if it didn't hit me like a brick- what do you really have to cry about?

• missing somebody you knew you would be forced to miss? a circumstance you signed on for? at least you know you are loved- get over it. move on through please.
• wanting space and your house to be perfect and clean and organized? at least you have a space and people who love you to occupy it. move on through please.
• stressed about bills? about credit card debt? this falls under super duh. everybody is, you signed up for it and well at least you can change it over time. the resources are available. move on through please.
• feeling pressure about creative projects? this may be the biggest duh of all. beware what you ask for. so many have worked so hard and can't get their work read or even recognized. be grateful. know this is when you prevail. move on through please.

and i see so much this that and the other about the revolution in Iran. stuff like this...

are parent you know how hard it is to be away from a injured child

but her life is more important than my life and putting her in dange is not what i want if you
she is very scared now i am sure she hates gunfire and darkness
i just want to hold her again to kiss her forehead ..to be free with her...to see her run free in the park
we students do not chant death to america we want american constitution
ok so i know my daughters safe..

i read these and it brings tears to my eyes. to imagine not only is the stability of the world around you disintegrating in a tangible way, but your ability to protect and care for your children is diluted if not removed. but what choice do you have, do we all have when presented with the opportunity, as human beings, parents and citizens of integrity-- but to participate in the process that demands the world progress. this is the very key to being a pro-active, loving and strong parent. you must march in the streets if that is what the day calls for- or at least go out and vote. this is why i vote in person and always take Xoxa with me. i let her hold the purple marker and feel like she is helping me to make the informed choice about our future. people are dying for this today. it is a sin or crime if you will of the highest order to take this for granted.

your children do as you do. go green and god bless the people on the ground.

get outta your mind

this is something that has plagued me for going on forever. to get out of my head. well i'm a writer- does writing count as being in your head? i'm also feeling hormonal and nervous about a big deadline- the nervousness only creeps up when i am forced to sit alone with it, when i am  on the verge of the big things i dream about day and day out. i think that this is one of a million things that makes me one of those writers who would definitely pick another vocation were it feasible. 

but instead of writing and hunkering down with the ideas and letting the creative juices flow i get caught up in personal drama. certain to keep myself asking questions and not trying to make giant life changes or anything...stuff like maybe i could take a trip abroad to...or am i really getting what i want and need out of this relationship- is it even a relationship? why do i feel so lonesome i could cry and neglected? will i grow old alone? am i unloveable? am i going to be able to live here for another year and half or so? how soon can i get out of the Bay Area where there is so much pain to be tolerated and forgiven? 

i think a nap is in order. i spent 2 delicious days in Disneyland with Xoxa and my dad, i also got to see Erykah Badu last night with one of my oldest best friends ever. i love seeing her - so many of the lyrics are really or at least seem to be directed right at me. crazy scary cool. but right now i don't want to be free so i hang on, my heart flapping nervous and deflated inside my chest. the only thing to keep me going is knowing it won't always be like this.

doing the same things

as a writer i am always keen for clever wordplay and phrasing. social network tools bring me any number of inspirational passages on a daily basis. 

Rev. Run from RUN-DMC today tweeted "you cannot change what you do not confront" or some such. 

there is also a recent fave, source unknown- if you keep doing the same things, that's what you get. 

i want to confront the choices i make. i want to not only make better choices but determine why i am making the choices i am so i can keep improving. 

one of the potential pitfalls of living in the town you grew up in and reuniting with folks from lives past is that i risk repeating and then potentially maintaining unhealthy patterns- like drinking too much. a lot of the people i used to drink too much with are still doing the same things, or things that simply do not interest me. for me these are folks who are washed up on an urban or worse suburban shore like the bottles they emptied to get there. i have already done all of this and it didn't serve me or help me to grow and progress the first time- i am not interested in hangover, wash, and repeat. 

so what do you do with your time as an adult who craves to have their ego stroked? well i also have to actively refuse this spiritual masturbation and dig deeper into my self- i have to get to the emotional blackhole and fill it up. figure out what i am missing. inevitably i am missing something to fill that little coin pocket of myself up with- liquor and attention are good bandages but in the end superficial and no better than Cinderella's night at the ball. 

rather i am choosing to explore the questions and be creative. to mandate time to create and get that stuff out rather than squelch it with artificial substances that merely prolong the agony of the process of growth. 

i am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. going to enjoy music - and not drinking- seeing what is really out there by taking my girl-scout-cookie-goggles off, what do these folks really look like? what am i really missing? aren't my late 30's for doing something else with my time? digging in instead of going out? 

everybody else seems to enjoy time with me- i need to learn to do the same thing. 

worn down- wanna get it up & get it on

days keep coming. i am happy about that. life itself though, with me at the wheel, has just been feeling so, well, i want to simplify and downsize and slow things down but it just keeps coming at me.
in watching my darling magic daughter Xoxai see how i am. i am a slow poke. i am intense and not so easy going. i am specifically the way i am for no good reason.
the fact is that i have been not only caring for a sick 4 year old since Xmas but i have been sick myself. it's a life period when I just cannot seem to get my mojo up. i am a driven, determined indominable person who will win. i'm just so bloody worn down, spread thin and pulled in opposing directions that i am finding it difficult to get it up and get it on. i like to pull not this keep on pushing. exhausted. constantly toxified. just not healthy. is something in my house making me sick?
i just want out. i just want to change things. i am craving a reinvention. the plans are in place but somehow i can't find the keys to start myself. am i not centered? are there too many things in waiting for my attention? how much of the global downer vibe is contributing? how to get back to myself, take care of business and own this life of mine. until the keys come out of hiding, i'm going to keep on pushing...

back in the game

wow. i just don't know how the rockstar bloggers do it. especially those who are keeping up with so much technology, trends and the lot. touting myself as a strategist, the biz cards do say words and strategy-- perhaps keeping my mouth shut is a bit of advice here but well...here goes nothing.

keeping busy not getting much done. consistently allowing my brain to pulled thread bare and drift off to wherever my hear takes me. then using all of might like a child straining to pick up an adult, to wrangle it all in-- i know all of the answers- that is to the things that plague me- but i consistently allow myself to be scared by the bogey man! as if admitting that there is no Cupid will ruin the rest of the days i have on earth. what's this all about? Alfie?

if only i could remember that there are perfectly good reasons, explanations for inconsistencies and that i need not blow on everybody else's food all the time. rather take care of my own plate and enjoy the moments i share with everyone else at my table. yes ma'am, that's me- always all ways way too thin. not just spread but sprinkled. like glitter- seemingly impossible to gather up all of the pieces. when it is so spread out you can't see or appreciate and marvel at the shine. not to mention it's a giveaway and folks don't find value in something that is free.

so here i am trying desperately to get my shit together in so many ways. to bring it all home, take care of me and mine first : by eating well- walking my talk. i have managed to motivate and inspire those closest to me to not only look at themselves but to effect change- here i sit getting over another cold and not sitting on the yoga bum that i want. to be creative- i keep talking about being a writer of so many things but how much do i really dedicate to it? i am simply not applying enough bum glue (it really is about getting my ass in gear isn't it?) instead of taking care of my own task sheets i flit around like Tinkerbell making sure that everybody i care about has a huge smile becasuse of me- not to impress them so much but because it makes me feel good- why not make myself feel good too? or rather first-- this includes re-programming myself and learning from updated / new training media-- but hey, what doesn't? i predict another duh- it feels good, and even better i can shoot my pixie dust gun without any remorse or repressing those things that go undone, pile up and cost me extra time, money and braindings in the end.

for me it's always been incorporating exercise, striking an effective financial plan and being creative on a regular basis. something about these- engaging with myself on a meaningful level in these areas-- is terrifying. i give it all away so there isn't much left to address these- not even minimum daily requirements-- no wonder i am sick so much. here it comes, i can't even duck to avoid it- it's another big fat DUH.

long story short- i don't take care of myself or my shit and i pay for it and don't feel centered, grounded or as strong as i need to let alone want to. i have all of the tools- they are just scattered around, hidden behind so many things that need to get caught up, taken care of and maintained. organization would help too, a real luxury considering some of the 'controlled chaos' that i am operating under now and for a while.

i do take heart in the fact that i am not alone, aspects of this are symptomatic of our culture and i am a single mom living some real big dreams. well, too bad. it must be done and there ain't no stoppin' us now- we're on the move!
signing off- I win and will be back soon.

resolve

Midnight has struck- the first day of the year hs expired, passed into the yesterday file. Rather than post 'resolutions' i am promising to approach each day with the requisite resolve to make dreams realities and raise my daughter to be a full human being and a being full of humanity.

throughout time i have kept journals. i have shelves of them. to paraphrase RILKE, i am a writer because i would die were i not to do it. i have always found solace in words, a place where explanations for the consistently denied reality i existed in would at least offer up an alterior option, if not an escape.

the backstory includes something to the effect of i have always had 3 areas i just couldn't seem to really embrace and evolve and progress: fiscal health, physical health and consistent creativity. so this year i feel like i am in a place where it's really finally up to me. it's up to me to tackle my big 3- only maybe the answer lies in the fact there are really 4... i keep leaving out my spirit. and this to say that i am not in such shambles, i just want to grow a bigger better brain and life so i need to put the house in order so that i might accomodate my vision's spurt into reality...

it helps or is likely related to feeling like i have a real partner in crime- somebody who also speaks "YAY" as a first language. somebody who knows that there is work to be done... this somebody floats up in the clouds with me and then holds my hand and gently reminds me that if we are going to live the dream, there is work to be done.. that he is here to be with to do the work with and if we play our cards right it won't be work anymore at all, but all the dreams will fill up the time we are awake.

in light of this, it's like i was told today, all of the things i was afraid of just don't make sense anymore. the key is me getting or at this point staying out of my own way. deciding to change my mind and shift from who i have been to who i want to be. i am connecting with someone who believes in me and for whatever reason i am ready to accept it. at least i am trying to be.

maybe that's another problem- i need to quit trying and just move through the line to just get on and live it. this is the 4th component- if the finances are funding the project, the health and fitness are the production component- the creativity is the writing and well, my spirit (not my brain- the piece that is totally overworked and almost haggard or well, tired?) is the director that i just don't pay enough attention to- i let it have it's process in order to be able to give a full and activated contribution.

meanwhile this year is dedicated to changin my mind about who i am. it's about catching up to experiencing me the way that the people who love me most do-- in the best way. it's about loving living as my favorite self- for the enjoyment of all involved. the Sally Field YOU REALLY LIKE ME thing was cute for a minute but now it's time to be there. here. get from nowhere to now here... nice to be here with you. you know who you are...