Thursday, January 1, 2009


Midnight has struck- the first day of the year hs expired, passed into the yesterday file. Rather than post 'resolutions' i am promising to approach each day with the requisite resolve to make dreams realities and raise my daughter to be a full human being and a being full of humanity.

throughout time i have kept journals. i have shelves of them. to paraphrase RILKE, i am a writer because i would die were i not to do it. i have always found solace in words, a place where explanations for the consistently denied reality i existed in would at least offer up an alterior option, if not an escape.

the backstory includes something to the effect of i have always had 3 areas i just couldn't seem to really embrace and evolve and progress: fiscal health, physical health and consistent creativity. so this year i feel like i am in a place where it's really finally up to me. it's up to me to tackle my big 3- only maybe the answer lies in the fact there are really 4... i keep leaving out my spirit. and this to say that i am not in such shambles, i just want to grow a bigger better brain and life so i need to put the house in order so that i might accomodate my vision's spurt into reality...

it helps or is likely related to feeling like i have a real partner in crime- somebody who also speaks "YAY" as a first language. somebody who knows that there is work to be done... this somebody floats up in the clouds with me and then holds my hand and gently reminds me that if we are going to live the dream, there is work to be done.. that he is here to be with to do the work with and if we play our cards right it won't be work anymore at all, but all the dreams will fill up the time we are awake.

in light of this, it's like i was told today, all of the things i was afraid of just don't make sense anymore. the key is me getting or at this point staying out of my own way. deciding to change my mind and shift from who i have been to who i want to be. i am connecting with someone who believes in me and for whatever reason i am ready to accept it. at least i am trying to be.

maybe that's another problem- i need to quit trying and just move through the line to just get on and live it. this is the 4th component- if the finances are funding the project, the health and fitness are the production component- the creativity is the writing and well, my spirit (not my brain- the piece that is totally overworked and almost haggard or well, tired?) is the director that i just don't pay enough attention to- i let it have it's process in order to be able to give a full and activated contribution.

meanwhile this year is dedicated to changin my mind about who i am. it's about catching up to experiencing me the way that the people who love me most do-- in the best way. it's about loving living as my favorite self- for the enjoyment of all involved. the Sally Field YOU REALLY LIKE ME thing was cute for a minute but now it's time to be there. here. get from nowhere to now here... nice to be here with you. you know who you are...