Tuesday, August 17, 2010

spin cycle

Young woman crouching on surfboard in sea, smiling

I was never what you would call a great surfer and I haven't done it in years. But it's one of those things i can't wait to do again, wish i could do it all the time and can't imagine not doing it ever again. My romantic life has played out a lot like my not so illustrious surfing career.

It all starts with cool gear and a plan to get out there and ride those waves! Suited up you work and work to paddle out, get past the break. Then you sit. You wait until the right wave comes along and BAZAM! You paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle and stand up at just the right time to take your place in the sweet spot, riding all the way in to the beach, breathless and exhilarated because there is nothing else like it in the world.

Except more often than not the waves looked one way when i started to paddle out, I was dizzy from not being in surf ready shape by the time i got past the break and then anxious about whether or not that was a fin in the distance and if something just touched me i should ignore it because i couldn't do anything about it anyway. Wait for the right wave and the magic will sail in on magic... BUT NO! Not unlike my forays into the world of dating and romance- instead of diligent effort floating me in on a wave of magic, I paddle-paddle-paddle-paddle and end up on the wrong wave, wipe out in the messy white wash and get tossed around in the spin cycle of waves that were not nearly that big when I paddled out.

It's probably a good thing I don't have a surfboard or a wetsuit. There hasn't been much summer to speak of so...So here I am waiting for the season to come around again while i get myself in shape. It's not easy because even though i haven't been out that far that many times, once it's in you, it's there. The next opportunity to paddle out may not be for awhile- I'm not exactly actively engaged in wave watching, honestly still getting have wobbly sea legs over my last time out, I was trying to stand up on my board when the waves were really better for freestyle body surfing.

I'm convinced there are some decent waves out there, right for me to ride in on, once I'm in the right shape, with the right board and suit to make it all happen. Meanwhile, living through the days until the next season are the only way through it. There is plenty to do-- the magic is worth it. 

Happy Birthday...to me?

Iced cake decorated with happy birthday candles

Today being the day it is reminds me of a weekend rendezvous in Seattle, March 2004 to be precise. It was a simple few days, movies, more than one which was great- blockbusters but it was all good. Walking around, not holding hands though I really wanted to and other seeming complications that were overlooked and music, dancing to a New Orleans band- magic. Most i remember enjoying the moment because to see him that weekend at all was crazy, to see him again, was going to be a miracle.

Long story short, this weekend I got closer to someone than I ever have, without giving it all away an ruining it with some toxic expectation that turns into a habit that skews and skewers the parties involved. All that to say there was conversation and love and fun and just damn it is was ALL GOOD. I left that weekend so electric and activated that nothing else mattered.

The result was saving money. Finally working freelance and planning my trip around the world! Buying a motorcycle! Writing/directing/producing a stage play in the SF Fringe festival! Well, I got as far as the helmet when all of this self-activation crested...and my 'I don't need anyone because I'm good with me!" was confronted...I was pregnant!

I haven't seen him since- but i think about him sometimes- especially when i want to remember a time when i was my favorite self and somebody else recognized and acknowledged it...and it never had the chance to get rotten.

to that end i'm grateful for the phenomenon of muscle memory. I know that that i'm in me. i'm in training to own it again. in fact the universe has seen fit to put me right back to my roots- the same place before i've launched a few practice runs of whole self activation...this time it will be getting for good... stay tuned. I'm working it out.