Tuesday, April 7, 2009

worn down- wanna get it up & get it on

days keep coming. i am happy about that. life itself though, with me at the wheel, has just been feeling so, well, i want to simplify and downsize and slow things down but it just keeps coming at me.
in watching my darling magic daughter Xoxai see how i am. i am a slow poke. i am intense and not so easy going. i am specifically the way i am for no good reason.
the fact is that i have been not only caring for a sick 4 year old since Xmas but i have been sick myself. it's a life period when I just cannot seem to get my mojo up. i am a driven, determined indominable person who will win. i'm just so bloody worn down, spread thin and pulled in opposing directions that i am finding it difficult to get it up and get it on. i like to pull not this keep on pushing. exhausted. constantly toxified. just not healthy. is something in my house making me sick?
i just want out. i just want to change things. i am craving a reinvention. the plans are in place but somehow i can't find the keys to start myself. am i not centered? are there too many things in waiting for my attention? how much of the global downer vibe is contributing? how to get back to myself, take care of business and own this life of mine. until the keys come out of hiding, i'm going to keep on pushing...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

back in the game

wow. i just don't know how the rockstar bloggers do it. especially those who are keeping up with so much technology, trends and the lot. touting myself as a strategist, the biz cards do say words and strategy-- perhaps keeping my mouth shut is a bit of advice here but well...here goes nothing.

keeping busy not getting much done. consistently allowing my brain to pulled thread bare and drift off to wherever my hear takes me. then using all of might like a child straining to pick up an adult, to wrangle it all in-- i know all of the answers- that is to the things that plague me- but i consistently allow myself to be scared by the bogey man! as if admitting that there is no Cupid will ruin the rest of the days i have on earth. what's this all about? Alfie?

if only i could remember that there are perfectly good reasons, explanations for inconsistencies and that i need not blow on everybody else's food all the time. rather take care of my own plate and enjoy the moments i share with everyone else at my table. yes ma'am, that's me- always all ways way too thin. not just spread but sprinkled. like glitter- seemingly impossible to gather up all of the pieces. when it is so spread out you can't see or appreciate and marvel at the shine. not to mention it's a giveaway and folks don't find value in something that is free.

so here i am trying desperately to get my shit together in so many ways. to bring it all home, take care of me and mine first : by eating well- walking my talk. i have managed to motivate and inspire those closest to me to not only look at themselves but to effect change- here i sit getting over another cold and not sitting on the yoga bum that i want. to be creative- i keep talking about being a writer of so many things but how much do i really dedicate to it? i am simply not applying enough bum glue (it really is about getting my ass in gear isn't it?) instead of taking care of my own task sheets i flit around like Tinkerbell making sure that everybody i care about has a huge smile becasuse of me- not to impress them so much but because it makes me feel good- why not make myself feel good too? or rather first-- this includes re-programming myself and learning from updated / new training media-- but hey, what doesn't? i predict another duh- it feels good, and even better i can shoot my pixie dust gun without any remorse or repressing those things that go undone, pile up and cost me extra time, money and braindings in the end.

for me it's always been incorporating exercise, striking an effective financial plan and being creative on a regular basis. something about these- engaging with myself on a meaningful level in these areas-- is terrifying. i give it all away so there isn't much left to address these- not even minimum daily requirements-- no wonder i am sick so much. here it comes, i can't even duck to avoid it- it's another big fat DUH.

long story short- i don't take care of myself or my shit and i pay for it and don't feel centered, grounded or as strong as i need to let alone want to. i have all of the tools- they are just scattered around, hidden behind so many things that need to get caught up, taken care of and maintained. organization would help too, a real luxury considering some of the 'controlled chaos' that i am operating under now and for a while.

i do take heart in the fact that i am not alone, aspects of this are symptomatic of our culture and i am a single mom living some real big dreams. well, too bad. it must be done and there ain't no stoppin' us now- we're on the move!
signing off- I win and will be back soon.