Thursday, May 14, 2009

doing the same things

as a writer i am always keen for clever wordplay and phrasing. social network tools bring me any number of inspirational passages on a daily basis. 

Rev. Run from RUN-DMC today tweeted "you cannot change what you do not confront" or some such. 

there is also a recent fave, source unknown- if you keep doing the same things, that's what you get. 

i want to confront the choices i make. i want to not only make better choices but determine why i am making the choices i am so i can keep improving. 
one of the potential pitfalls of living in the town you grew up in and reuniting with folks from lives past is that i risk repeating and then potentially maintaining unhealthy patterns- like drinking too much. a lot of the people i used to drink too much with are still doing the same things, or things that simply do not interest me. for me these are folks who are washed up on an urban or worse suburban shore like the bottles they emptied to get there. i have already done all of this and it didn't serve me or help me to grow and progress the first time- i am not interested in hangover, wash, and repeat. 
so what do you do with your time as an adult who craves to have their ego stroked? well i also have to actively refuse this spiritual masturbation and dig deeper into my self- i have to get to the emotional blackhole and fill it up. figure out what i am missing. inevitably i am missing something to fill that little coin pocket of myself up with- liquor and attention are good bandages but in the end superficial and no better than Cinderella's night at the ball. 
rather i am choosing to explore the questions and be creative. to mandate time to create and get that stuff out rather than squelch it with artificial substances that merely prolong the agony of the process of growth. 
i am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. going to enjoy music - and not drinking- seeing what is really out there by taking my girl-scout-cookie-goggles off, what do these folks really look like? what am i really missing? aren't my late 30's for doing something else with my time? digging in instead of going out? 
everybody else seems to enjoy time with me- i need to learn to do the same thing.