Sunday, June 21, 2009
i sometimes think that i understand what the universe is trying to get me to do. but how come i don't do it? aren't i the bravest strongest most courageous woman i know? don't i go for what life offers without hesitating? so what is up with being the person who has to miss my favorite people? it's been nearly 10 years now since i've been the person who sends folks on their way. no, scratch that, reverse it - i have ALWAYS been the one shipping them off. i was 16 and dropping my cousin off at the induction center when he went into to the Navy. Racing down highway 80 to drop Danielle at SFO was the first of now impossible to count bon voyages... so many friends making grand moves - at least from my little tiny view here in Richmond.
i ask myself- i have been asked- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN RICHMOND? i finally heard it recently- there is so much pain here. i want out. being here i have dug a hole of debt as a bad side of be here now to anesthetize myself from the sharper edges of my reality. for so many it's the bay area and it is and has everything and why would you want to leave? for me- i cannot let my daughter grow up here- there is so much here but there is something that i need to move on and away from - somethings i need to grow up and out from- feeling like i am a weed that is bursting from between the cracks in the cement- maybe now i am at least a dandelion and soon- my timeline is within the year- a parachute ball who will relocate via the wind to the place that is right for us.
i know i cannot go anywhere- i know where i want to go- i want to go somewhere and not run from anywhere. in order to do this i must stay the course and clean up here- clean up my house in order to be able to move on with a clean slate. i have avoided this so intensely for such a time now and meanwhile the carousel doesn't stop- time keeps on slipping into the future. i feel like a walking ampersand- twisted up, trying to move forward, balancing on a straight line. for a while today it seemed so doable! and now another piece of my heart is getting a passport stamped.
nobody is more excited than me for the people i love to go where they can thrive and live to their fullest. i just need to get on with my shit. i need to get on with my dreams- i need to listen to the universe every single day. i need to hear the universe telling me to take care of my business, to not be distracted or allow myself to veer away from making each moment count toward manifesting the reality i want and frankly demand for my daughter.
final thought before, maybe it will be happen when i demand it for me...
Posted by kriz bell at 10:14 PM
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
i admit that i don't pay nearly as much attention as i should or as much as i want to. today i was nearly swept away by a hormonal, stressed out, pressurized day. then i saw tweet after tweet and shades of green emerging from cracks in the graphics and damn if it didn't hit me like a brick- what do you really have to cry about?
- missing somebody you knew you would be forced to miss? a circumstance you signed on for? at least you know you are loved- get over it. move on through please.
- wanting space and your house to be perfect and clean and organized? at least you have a space and people who love you to occupy it. move on through please.
- stressed about bills? about credit card debt? this falls under super duh. everybody is, you signed up for it and well at least you can change it over time. the resources are available. move on through please.
- feeling pressure about creative projects? this may be the biggest duh of all. beware what you ask for. so many have worked so hard and can't get their work read or even recognized. be grateful. know this is when you prevail. move on through please.
and i see so much this that and the other about the revolution in Iran. stuff like this...
are parent you know how hard it is to be away from a injured child
Sunday, June 7, 2009
this is something that has plagued me for going on forever. to get out of my head. well i'm a writer- does writing count as being in your head? i'm also feeling hormonal and nervous about a big deadline- the nervousness only creeps up when i am forced to sit alone with it, when i am on the verge of the big things i dream about day and day out. i think that this is one of a million things that makes me one of those writers who would definitely pick another vocation were it feasible.
but instead of writing and hunkering down with the ideas and letting the creative juices flow i get caught up in personal drama. certain to keep myself asking questions and not trying to make giant life changes or anything...stuff like maybe i could take a trip abroad to...or am i really getting what i want and need out of this relationship- is it even a relationship? why do i feel so lonesome i could cry and neglected? will i grow old alone? am i unloveable? am i going to be able to live here for another year and half or so? how soon can i get out of the Bay Area where there is so much pain to be tolerated and forgiven?
i think a nap is in order. i spent 2 delicious days in Disneyland with Xoxa and my dad, i also got to see Erykah Badu last night with one of my oldest best friends ever. i love seeing her - so many of the lyrics are really or at least seem to be directed right at me. crazy scary cool. but right now i don't want to be free so i hang on, my heart flapping nervous and deflated inside my chest. the only thing to keep me going is knowing it won't always be like this.
Posted by kriz bell at 3:12 PM