Funny how things look one way in the moment and are not as close as they appear from the rear view mirror. I say this with a fever that continues to rise like the boat in Willy Wonka-
Round the world and home again
That's the sailor's way
Faster faster, faster faster
There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing
Is it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowing
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowing
Yes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing
alas I digress... but really- how hard is it to get hot in the middle of a heatwave? frankly non-potable water will seem to quench your thirst coming out of a desert draught like the one i experienced after having my darling daughter. To the contrary, thawing the frozen walls of a heart tenderized by years of stone cold neglect- that is the sign of a real man arriving on the scene.
This notion of a Real Man, an adult male, versus say Peter Pan or the perpetual boy, has been a big theme not only for me as a single mom / serial monogomist but for my girlfriends too. Staring down the barrel of 40 years old (please note, I am EXCITED to be 40...wouldn't do or change anything about 20's or early 30's again!) you wonder if you being single is a terminal condition.
By now you would think that a MAN would not be something new. You would think that I could count at least ONE man among my exes whose ages range from 22 to 50...BUT NOOOOOOO... not a man among them, and this i know because yes friends and neighbors, i have recently identified and even connected with the GENUINE ARTICLE. A tremendous blend of who, what, where, why, when and how he is provides all the evidence. He is brave (emotionally, socially, physically...), aware of himself in the world, responsible, thoughtful, conscientious, professional, ambitious, creative, emotionally available, willing to look at himself and be open to myriad possibilities for life and living. He is NOT totally self-absorbed, unable or unwilling to walk and chew gum; he is not afraid to interact on a variety of levels, think about other people, be a source of support as well as an open, honest friend with a GIANT capacity to accept you/me for who/how you /I am as a mother, professional, friend, woman on and on and on past the break of dawn with consistent regularity. This is like breathing fresh, clear mountain air for the first time. it's crazy i tell you!
This iteration is a logisitical nightmare if you require conventional arrangements. For me it is not only be careful what you ask for- the specifics anyway- but a great method of relationship titration- or avoiding a long standing pattern of jumping in the deep end and holding my breath for as long as possible before i figure out i am forced to admit i don't want to swim or something like that. There are distance, timing and obligations issues. That said, the chemistry is INCREDIBLE and i feel like i am acting and interacting with a grown up for the first time ever. If this is the only way i can make myself move forward one day at a time, well the universe knows best.
Who knows where this will lead. Despite my checkered past i find myself trusting and living the questions, making room for the answers to reveal themselves. Like a puppy who has grown to be a shy and scary middle aged rough around the edges dog I am being coaxed out of the corner where i have been secretly trembling and snapping at passerby in order to defend myself against being hurt again. Maybe i'm a fool, but if all i get is the sensation of now, i will take it. the only way to win is if you play and there is nothing wrong with building positive evidence and taking a chance by being loved, right?
10 months ago