Sunday, June 7, 2009

get outta your mind

this is something that has plagued me for going on forever. to get out of my head. well i'm a writer- does writing count as being in your head? i'm also feeling hormonal and nervous about a big deadline- the nervousness only creeps up when i am forced to sit alone with it, when i am  on the verge of the big things i dream about day and day out. i think that this is one of a million things that makes me one of those writers who would definitely pick another vocation were it feasible. 

but instead of writing and hunkering down with the ideas and letting the creative juices flow i get caught up in personal drama. certain to keep myself asking questions and not trying to make giant life changes or anything...stuff like maybe i could take a trip abroad to...or am i really getting what i want and need out of this relationship- is it even a relationship? why do i feel so lonesome i could cry and neglected? will i grow old alone? am i unloveable? am i going to be able to live here for another year and half or so? how soon can i get out of the Bay Area where there is so much pain to be tolerated and forgiven? 

i think a nap is in order. i spent 2 delicious days in Disneyland with Xoxa and my dad, i also got to see Erykah Badu last night with one of my oldest best friends ever. i love seeing her - so many of the lyrics are really or at least seem to be directed right at me. crazy scary cool. but right now i don't want to be free so i hang on, my heart flapping nervous and deflated inside my chest. the only thing to keep me going is knowing it won't always be like this.

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