but instead of writing and hunkering down with the ideas and letting the creative juices flow i get caught up in personal drama. certain to keep myself asking questions and not trying to make giant life changes or anything...stuff like maybe i could take a trip abroad to...or am i really getting what i want and need out of this relationship- is it even a relationship? why do i feel so lonesome i could cry and neglected? will i grow old alone? am i unloveable? am i going to be able to live here for another year and half or so? how soon can i get out of the Bay Area where there is so much pain to be tolerated and forgiven?
i think a nap is in order. i spent 2 delicious days in Disneyland with Xoxa and my dad, i also got to see Erykah Badu last night with one of my oldest best friends ever. i love seeing her - so many of the lyrics are really or at least seem to be directed right at me. crazy scary cool. but right now i don't want to be free so i hang on, my heart flapping nervous and deflated inside my chest. the only thing to keep me going is knowing it won't always be like this.