i ask myself- i have been asked- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN RICHMOND? i finally heard it recently- there is so much pain here. i want out. being here i have dug a hole of debt as a bad side of be here now to anesthetize myself from the sharper edges of my reality. for so many it's the bay area and it is and has everything and why would you want to leave? for me- i cannot let my daughter grow up here- there is so much here but there is something that i need to move on and away from - somethings i need to grow up and out from- feeling like i am a weed that is bursting from between the cracks in the cement- maybe now i am at least a dandelion and soon- my timeline is within the year- a parachute ball who will relocate via the wind to the place that is right for us.
i know i cannot go anywhere- i know where i want to go- i want to go somewhere and not run from anywhere. in order to do this i must stay the course and clean up here- clean up my house in order to be able to move on with a clean slate. i have avoided this so intensely for such a time now and meanwhile the carousel doesn't stop- time keeps on slipping into the future. i feel like a walking ampersand- twisted up, trying to move forward, balancing on a straight line. for a while today it seemed so doable! and now another piece of my heart is getting a passport stamped.
nobody is more excited than me for the people i love to go where they can thrive and live to their fullest. i just need to get on with my shit. i need to get on with my dreams- i need to listen to the universe every single day. i need to hear the universe telling me to take care of my business, to not be distracted or allow myself to veer away from making each moment count toward manifesting the reality i want and frankly demand for my daughter.
final thought before, maybe it will be happen when i demand it for me...