old hurts comin' through shiny and new

i'm not sure when i am going to learn the lessons that i seem to trip over over and over and over again. here i am- zowee. different flavor but it's still heartbreak. funny how i felt it days before. i knew something was on the horizon. something drove me to begin the process of grieving and making sure i have what i need.
then the information is confirmed and like Michael Jackson's passing i am almost conflicted- surprised but i knew it was true and even saw it coming. i find my feet on the ground finally but i can't trust the view yet- my eyes have not adjusted to be able to know what is really what and to TRUST what i see.

these are my favorite new quotes...
Behavior is what a man does, not what he thinks, feels, or believes. (or tries to tell you! which brings us to our next quote)
Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell.
Thank you Emily Dickinson


now i know why grandma always says keep your legs closed, your eyes opened and listen to your gut.
in the end i win. no matter what.
haha. yay for me.

space

i am the luckiest girl in the world. i don't always have the best memory- that is i do not always remember and call on the experience of my blessings. but sometimes it's just about feeling it and taking that with you too, whatever it is.

today i am lucky because i am taking advantage of the space i have to write and create and organize. it hasn't always been like this. the evolution has included help from friends, especially one friend who has been strident in reminding me of my mission- I WIN. He also loaned me the machine i am working on. that's right friends and neighbors- i've gone to the bright side and now i use a MAC! but i digress...

in reading a book on A WRITER'S SPACE (i am a creative self-help junkie) this blog entry was to be devoted to how i assess, improve and/or create my work space. my church- where i 'pray poetry and praise prose' (thank you Dr. Eric Maisel) - where i report everyday to diligently apply bum glue that keeps me in my seat so the muses know where to find and infect my psyche with the goods that will eventually get me out of the rabbit holes i incessantly meander about in passive aggressive avoidance of my calling. keeping an unhealthy distance from the words and the messages and sometimes if i'm really honest- my own sanity.

so here is my first exercise- how cool- i already have the homework done! i just raised the gorgeous imac up to a more eye friendly height, lit a candle and some incense. aside from a few bits of tidying up and wrapping long overdue projects (all slated for completion on the new and improved visit it daily schedule) this space is really where i want it to be.

it's an amazing room. it's cozy and womb like. the desk started across the room and just didn't work. now it is against the chalkboard wall and who knows why but it's just right. the fancy chair and buddha reminding me to focus despite the struggle and breathe damn it breathe! thanks again to my super specialest friend whose vision of yay-firmations of all kinds on the walls really make the difference: a 6' X 4' poster of me as a brutal adolescent and my degree from Mills College and my Ministry Credentials plus a certificate that reminds me of my mission...I WIN. i didn't know how much these elements were missing until they were strategically inserted.

furthermore, it must be said that SPACE is a crucial concept where all of this is concerned. if i know Dr. Maisel this will be addressed in a future chapter. i have tended to allow myself to be distracted by things out of my control and spin instead of getting down to the writing (see where i say i have a piss poor memory?) all kinds of writing that is the best tool for me to focus - i am reminded to channel my creative anxiety into my work- the words! rather than spinning out on intangibles and overdramatizing emotional episodes- i should be writing darlings! this does not mean that i do not feel- it means that i do not surf away on waves of emotion. give it a time and a PAGE and get to the writing work. consider it channeled. here i am in the chair, taking the space i need to read and write and move forward with valuing my self and pursuing my dream.

clearing and remembering.
like my dad always says-
it doesn't hurt forever.
the hardest part is showing up.
don't shit your pants.

hearing

an apt title for the post as i am not only hearing as receiving the messages the universe and my friends and my gut and my brain are broadcasting at 11. and i am actually acting on it. i have taken steps to unravel the emotional quagmire i find myself wrapped up in. which brings me to the next operative definition of hearing- as in the preliminary examination of an event before a trial. often this is the more arduous or at least stressful because what follows is either straight forward or anything goes, but it's the place where you just don't know.

so i am here taking time to unravel myself from somebody else. the good part was great, where we got all wrapped up tight in each other's red flags- RED! MY FAVORITE COLOR! and then you lose balance and it doesn't work for somebody, usually both but somebody calls TIME! or well it doesn't matter- the fact remains that here i am getting to know myself again, grieving the dash of my hopes and missing someone who has become my best friend and special specific source of support.

i've had to miss people a lot in my life. i have had to face the end of relationships- and here i am again except this time i am being proactive- i am demanding a heathy course of events for myself. the only trouble is, it's not all bad. it's not cut and dried run for the hills- it's just not healthy now and not going to work anytime soon. but these are all symptoms anyway- back to the real situation-
i have to take care of myself and my daughter. it's scary that is. it means moving forward while accepting the fact that the only one to watch over me is me. (funny theme song for one as strong and courageous with a cape as me- SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME). and now here i have confronted so much of my stuff in these past 6 months of support unlimited so i feel like a reptile - emotionally molting with no one to make sure i don't get eaten.

SPOILER ALERT! here comes the over share, so if the drivel is already too much, sign off now! i won't take offense- this is really for me anyway... i am having to spend time with myself. but you are a writer you say- yes i am. and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. yesterday and this morning i had to put on some pretty heartless hip-hop music in order to keep the Hurricane Katrina of tears from flying out of my face. music has such an incredible effect on me- weeping, grieving, finding myself back at square one, albeit with better tools than the last time i was here, but alone again, naturally.

and it's all good. i can do this- it's just the pain being so intense as to have crumbling to the ground weeping like i lost not one but both of my dogs. and i didn't. what i have gained is an opportunity to keep my word to myself about my writing, to get my home and heart and head in order. to heal myself and to try again. to really become the person i want to be with- both in myself as well as the one i want to attract to strike up this partnership- because truth be told, underneath it all- on the market today i am no prize.

i'm not losing anything- i am lucky enough to have one of the best friends ever. he is really a giving, lovely, true, brave man who loves me dearly- i am also lucky that he brought enough honesty and boundaries to the table to keep both of us in line. the bratty sassy bitchy ungrateful part of me says- I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BEST FRIEND. but that's a lie- i just wanted to meet my travel companion, my creative partner. he can be those things too, he just can't be my boyfriend. it's cool. i get it.

listening and hearing the universe daily

i sometimes think that i understand what the universe is trying to get me to do. but how come i don't do it? aren't i the bravest strongest most courageous woman i know? don't i go for what life offers without hesitating? so what is up with being the person who has to miss my favorite people? it's been nearly 10 years now since i've been the person who sends folks on their way. no, scratch that, reverse it - i have ALWAYS been the one shipping them off. i was 16 and dropping my cousin off at the induction center when he went into to the Navy. Racing down highway 80 to drop Danielle at SFO was the first of now impossible to count bon voyages... so many friends making grand moves - at least from my little tiny view here in Richmond.

i ask myself- i have been asked- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN RICHMOND? i finally heard it recently- there is so much pain here. i want out. being here i have dug a hole of debt as a bad side of be here now to anesthetize myself from the sharper edges of my reality. for so many it's the bay area and it is and has everything and why would you want to leave? for me- i cannot let my daughter grow up here- there is so much here but there is something that i need to move on and away from - somethings i need to grow up and out from- feeling like i am a weed that is bursting from between the cracks in the cement- maybe now i am at least a dandelion and soon- my timeline is within the year- a parachute ball who will relocate via the wind to the place that is right for us.

i know i cannot go anywhere- i know where i want to go- i want to go somewhere and not run from anywhere. in order to do this i must stay the course and clean up here- clean up my house in order to be able to move on with a clean slate. i have avoided this so intensely for such a time now and meanwhile the carousel doesn't stop- time keeps on slipping into the future. i feel like a walking ampersand- twisted up, trying to move forward, balancing on a straight line. for a while today it seemed so doable! and now another piece of my heart is getting a passport stamped.

nobody is more excited than me for the people i love to go where they can thrive and live to their fullest. i just need to get on with my shit. i need to get on with my dreams- i need to listen to the universe every single day. i need to hear the universe telling me to take care of my business, to not be distracted or allow myself to veer away from making each moment count toward manifesting the reality i want and frankly demand for my daughter.

final thought before, maybe it will be happen when i demand it for me...

personal parenting revolution by way of Tehran via twitter

i admit that i don't pay nearly as much attention as i should or as much as i want to. today i was nearly swept away by a hormonal, stressed out, pressurized day. then i saw tweet after tweet and shades of green emerging from cracks in the graphics and damn if it didn't hit me like a brick- what do you really have to cry about?

• missing somebody you knew you would be forced to miss? a circumstance you signed on for? at least you know you are loved- get over it. move on through please.
• wanting space and your house to be perfect and clean and organized? at least you have a space and people who love you to occupy it. move on through please.
• stressed about bills? about credit card debt? this falls under super duh. everybody is, you signed up for it and well at least you can change it over time. the resources are available. move on through please.
• feeling pressure about creative projects? this may be the biggest duh of all. beware what you ask for. so many have worked so hard and can't get their work read or even recognized. be grateful. know this is when you prevail. move on through please.

and i see so much this that and the other about the revolution in Iran. stuff like this...

are parent you know how hard it is to be away from a injured child

but her life is more important than my life and putting her in dange is not what i want if you
she is very scared now i am sure she hates gunfire and darkness
i just want to hold her again to kiss her forehead ..to be free with her...to see her run free in the park
we students do not chant death to america we want american constitution
ok so i know my daughters safe..

i read these and it brings tears to my eyes. to imagine not only is the stability of the world around you disintegrating in a tangible way, but your ability to protect and care for your children is diluted if not removed. but what choice do you have, do we all have when presented with the opportunity, as human beings, parents and citizens of integrity-- but to participate in the process that demands the world progress. this is the very key to being a pro-active, loving and strong parent. you must march in the streets if that is what the day calls for- or at least go out and vote. this is why i vote in person and always take Xoxa with me. i let her hold the purple marker and feel like she is helping me to make the informed choice about our future. people are dying for this today. it is a sin or crime if you will of the highest order to take this for granted.

your children do as you do. go green and god bless the people on the ground.

get outta your mind

this is something that has plagued me for going on forever. to get out of my head. well i'm a writer- does writing count as being in your head? i'm also feeling hormonal and nervous about a big deadline- the nervousness only creeps up when i am forced to sit alone with it, when i am  on the verge of the big things i dream about day and day out. i think that this is one of a million things that makes me one of those writers who would definitely pick another vocation were it feasible. 

but instead of writing and hunkering down with the ideas and letting the creative juices flow i get caught up in personal drama. certain to keep myself asking questions and not trying to make giant life changes or anything...stuff like maybe i could take a trip abroad to...or am i really getting what i want and need out of this relationship- is it even a relationship? why do i feel so lonesome i could cry and neglected? will i grow old alone? am i unloveable? am i going to be able to live here for another year and half or so? how soon can i get out of the Bay Area where there is so much pain to be tolerated and forgiven? 

i think a nap is in order. i spent 2 delicious days in Disneyland with Xoxa and my dad, i also got to see Erykah Badu last night with one of my oldest best friends ever. i love seeing her - so many of the lyrics are really or at least seem to be directed right at me. crazy scary cool. but right now i don't want to be free so i hang on, my heart flapping nervous and deflated inside my chest. the only thing to keep me going is knowing it won't always be like this.

doing the same things

as a writer i am always keen for clever wordplay and phrasing. social network tools bring me any number of inspirational passages on a daily basis. 

Rev. Run from RUN-DMC today tweeted "you cannot change what you do not confront" or some such. 

there is also a recent fave, source unknown- if you keep doing the same things, that's what you get. 

i want to confront the choices i make. i want to not only make better choices but determine why i am making the choices i am so i can keep improving. 

one of the potential pitfalls of living in the town you grew up in and reuniting with folks from lives past is that i risk repeating and then potentially maintaining unhealthy patterns- like drinking too much. a lot of the people i used to drink too much with are still doing the same things, or things that simply do not interest me. for me these are folks who are washed up on an urban or worse suburban shore like the bottles they emptied to get there. i have already done all of this and it didn't serve me or help me to grow and progress the first time- i am not interested in hangover, wash, and repeat. 

so what do you do with your time as an adult who craves to have their ego stroked? well i also have to actively refuse this spiritual masturbation and dig deeper into my self- i have to get to the emotional blackhole and fill it up. figure out what i am missing. inevitably i am missing something to fill that little coin pocket of myself up with- liquor and attention are good bandages but in the end superficial and no better than Cinderella's night at the ball. 

rather i am choosing to explore the questions and be creative. to mandate time to create and get that stuff out rather than squelch it with artificial substances that merely prolong the agony of the process of growth. 

i am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. going to enjoy music - and not drinking- seeing what is really out there by taking my girl-scout-cookie-goggles off, what do these folks really look like? what am i really missing? aren't my late 30's for doing something else with my time? digging in instead of going out? 

everybody else seems to enjoy time with me- i need to learn to do the same thing.