Saturday, November 1, 2008

the way forward is with a broken heart

Last night we broke up. we both know we can't do it- it's a great match and a bad fit all at the same time. so here i sit with a sick little girl (X) and a sad little girl- me. I don't want to focus on what i don't have. why is it that not having ONE thing pales the rest? somehow having everything i want and need- a great house with plenty of space, a blossoming career doing what i love with people i respect and vice versa- lots of projects to promote, more cool things going on than i can keep up with or say no to... a family of fabulous friends near and far who have survived with me through innumerable iterations of myself and guess what? they love me still. they accept me and enjoy me AS I AM. I am a strong and beautiful woman, imperfect and complicated with crazy tendencies - never boring and worth every second of effort. I am smart and healthy and fun.

All of that said, it is difficult for me to imagine embracing any person with so many disparate attributes. I take this seriosuly as I understand it is no easy thing to ask somebody to love you. I am a single mom, i am an artist, i love travel and business and managing projects and making new connections. the list wouldn't be complete without at least an honorable mention of my freaky gene (this will likely get its own blog entry- that being said, spoiler alert here, it won't be any over tell, more like a discussion of how difficult initmacy and compatibility are). and have i mentioned what a great friend i am? i work my ass off, i have a lot going on. i am a lot. i am learning that i am not for the faint of heart. Anyone unsure need not apply. i can't say i know exactly what i want, but i do know what i don't want. the tough nut these recent moons is all about finding and sharing and learning with someone who is so many of the things i do want- closer than anyone has been to date- but who doesn't have the bandwidth to be engaged and involved in a relationship with me. It hurts. I am sad. I really hate missing the person who was in a lot of ways a best friend. i don't know how much of it was mutual, i suspect a lot. for now the trajectory is to wax and wane between mournful tears and rockin' on being me.

I have love. it's the partner, lover and friend to share it on a daily basis that i long for. for that is another blog entry... meanwhile here are the lyrics that are helping me through this morning...

Erykah Badu and her Billie Holiday style yarn... my eyes are green because i eat a lot of vegetables...i'm insecure but i can't help it. my mind says move on, my heart lags behind, but i don't love you anymore, i'm so insecure, never knew that love did this. i can't remember the last time i felt this way about somebody, you've done something to my mind and i can't control it... i'm so confused...never knew that love could hurt like this...makes me feel so sad and hurt inside, feel embarrased so i want to hide...before i heal it's going to be awhile, it's going to be awhile chile...feeling insecure , love has got me first when you was cool you told me you loved me too, and then you lost your love...i'd go away but i can't...i can't believe it's too late...just make love to me, one more time and then you'll see! I can't believe i made a desperate plea...Don't you want be strong with meYou told me we could have a familyWant to run to me when you're down and lowBut times get tough and there you goOut the door, you wanna run againOpen your arms and you'll come back inWanna run cause you say your afraid, afraid. Never knew what a friendship. Never knew how to really love. You can't be what I need you to And I don't know what is up with you I know our love will never be the same But I can't stand the growing pains...

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