Monday, July 6, 2009

40 years

irony is defined today by the trouble my parents' (and my brother's for that matter) incessant anniversaries cause me. you see i suffer from pioneer syndrome- i am the first in my family to travel, with the exception of minimal vacations and immigration... i am the first to not settle down with my true love. by no stretch am i suggesting that a- settling down is easy b- that there is anything wrong with what i have done. to the contrary.

my observation is meant as nothing more than that. something accepted so blithely by all- congratulations in order for a job well done- would you think it might have a negative side? there are no negatives for them, my parents continue to spend time together and love each other like teen agers who will have to dream about each other after curfew and endure the stretches apart between classes. they have lunch everyday. they cook dinner together. they sleep curled up like 2 spoons in a drawer despite snoring and one hot while the other is cold. sounds like a win for everybody, 'eh?

the invisible downside is their eldest child's inability to meet let alone match with anyone. before i tuned in to my gut i went on 2 1/2 year stretches before the relationship disintegrated. more recently the expiration date has been at about the 6 month mark. and i try try again.

because this true love i was raised with and watched my brother carve out with his high school sweetheart has both defined me and plagued me. for me the programming runs deep- as an emotional girl with a vivid imagination, there is nothing like HAPPILY EVER AFTER. and why shouldn't i? funny that, i never imagined a wedding, but played penthouse and traveler woman. i had a doorman and an elevator. 30 years later i had a baby on my own, knowing that if i was waiting for Prince Charming, it might never happen.

in the long run i can't help but feel that i am forgetting something- it always goes back to the partner. it's just not the same holding your own hand.

i'm working it out. i have a habit of hooking up with mr. bad timing; mr. red flag; mr. unavailable; mr. peter pan; mr. non-committal and mr. not right now...

alas, better luck next time. and so it goes. Happy Ruby Anniversary to Barbara & Gary- you did the best you knew how and i will take it / make it from here.

No comments: