Sunday, July 5, 2009

living with the questions

it still doesn't really make sense the way i want it to. though i can say that the moment of clarity has come. sad really that i have to get here in order to make the changes that are long overdue. of course i wouldn't be here at all if i had the kind of bravery i hope to be growing as a result of finding myself here again.

luckily i am a big supporter of forgiveness. it's not really so altruistic, it's for me. it's the way i get to move on. the forget part- i haven't read anywhere that it helps you to forget. i don't forget, sometimes it keeps me awake at night and sends me visiting the dank dark dungeon where my shadow self resides. it always creeps up when i am testing a new relationship- trying to weed out the squeamish, the faint at heart who out of self-preservation will run screaming (perhaps in silence) in terror, admitting their inability to provide the specific maintenance that a relationship with me will require. not high maintenance, but specialized and specific maintenance.

and despite an extended love furlough, listening to my gut and imposing unconventional boundaries- all kinds of new and unexplored ways of being with someone- protecting myself and remaining open- it all seemed so on the way- so almost there- so it's all good...until the gut kicked in and tried to message me that something is rotten in the state of Denmark! That i am not crazy. that i think something is amiss because it is!

so maybe i end up where i am time after time because i turn my gut down from the 11 it insists on broadcasting at, in order to accommodate my craving to replicate my upbringing, to mix and match up with somebody worthy of happily ever after. There are questions i have to ask if i am ever going to break this cycle of low self-worth i am perpetuating. Of course i wonder if there is some karmic tattoo i need to go inside and scrub away? how am i contributing to the long line of men who say they love me but end up dragging my heart behind the caboose of their non-committal freight train? listen to the need for control. pay attention to where i am at and make sure i am shaking the like attracts like until i like my like in this entanglement of likeness. remaining true to myself, to my dreams- making sure i just say no until that novel and TV Pilot and screenplay are written. and maybe even grad school. and living abroad. and enjoying Paris, and spending my 40th birthday in Greece or the Galapagos. and taking Xoxa around the world when she is 9.

as said on Dexter... people will lie all the time but your instinct will never fail you. time for me to really get acquainted with and value that inside space. the universe if perfect- i have nothing to be afraid of, love.

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