Thursday, July 9, 2009

Strong* (*warning emotional woe-is-me over share inside)

I cannot tell you how tired i am of being strong. I have been strong my entire life. I have dealt with unsolicited advances from the time i was a child, unwanted responsibilities and inappropriate situations from before i knew how to pronounce let alone spell or understand these concepts. I was always the one who has pretty and smart and quiet and strong so i required no worry. "SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF".

and so it goes. yes i can. yes i have. yes i will. but can you imagine what it is like to be 9 years old dealing with sex, drugs and assholes? the bottom line is i was taking care of people from the time i was 4 years old- first my brother (who i love and would not change one moment of the time i have spent sharing my life with him- except the times i hurt him) then my parents because it was clear from Jump Street that they needed support- so instead of acting like a 4 year old and placing myself at the center of the universe and learning how to integrate others i started off speaking everybody else as a first language. '

i still do it. i'm not as bad as some but it has effected my own personal values and sense of self. i know enough to put my mask on first and i have a great family and relatives who keep me in check, but that doesn't mean that when it serves somebody they won't stop me from giving until i got no more.

right now i just want to get a minute to breath. and i want a few moments, hours to pretend like i have everything in the world that my heart desires. that i'm special. that i'm taken care of. that someone will catch me if i fall, not just pick me up after i hit the ground! that i deserve the effort, the special grooming, the thoughtful gesture, the expense, the time, the sacrifice and all that. these are things i have sampled as in wine tasting- never truly trusted i could feast. i deserve this. i know i do.

is that too much to ask? i figure that my heart is broken and i'm over stressed regardless so the come down from my little pretend time won't be so much unhealthy or damaging as it will be the contrast i really need in order to get to my healthy and powerful good back to being stronger than you would really ever expect anybody to be but you expect it of me, self.

and i will continue to be strong. to be all that and make the life i dream of a daily reality. raise an incredible daughter. write the TV show and 3 screenplays (actually i think it's up to 4 now) and novel and short stories i carry around between my ears. and get my shit together- fiscal and physical responsibility and health. all of these are hinging on my spirit- that is being addresses first as soon as i can and as i can.

i am grateful for my friends who are my family and yes i can be strong-- just please understand if i take a minute to be weak.

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