hearing

an apt title for the post as i am not only hearing as receiving the messages the universe and my friends and my gut and my brain are broadcasting at 11. and i am actually acting on it. i have taken steps to unravel the emotional quagmire i find myself wrapped up in. which brings me to the next operative definition of hearing- as in the preliminary examination of an event before a trial. often this is the more arduous or at least stressful because what follows is either straight forward or anything goes, but it's the place where you just don't know.

so i am here taking time to unravel myself from somebody else. the good part was great, where we got all wrapped up tight in each other's red flags- RED! MY FAVORITE COLOR! and then you lose balance and it doesn't work for somebody, usually both but somebody calls TIME! or well it doesn't matter- the fact remains that here i am getting to know myself again, grieving the dash of my hopes and missing someone who has become my best friend and special specific source of support.

i've had to miss people a lot in my life. i have had to face the end of relationships- and here i am again except this time i am being proactive- i am demanding a heathy course of events for myself. the only trouble is, it's not all bad. it's not cut and dried run for the hills- it's just not healthy now and not going to work anytime soon. but these are all symptoms anyway- back to the real situation-
i have to take care of myself and my daughter. it's scary that is. it means moving forward while accepting the fact that the only one to watch over me is me. (funny theme song for one as strong and courageous with a cape as me- SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME). and now here i have confronted so much of my stuff in these past 6 months of support unlimited so i feel like a reptile - emotionally molting with no one to make sure i don't get eaten.

SPOILER ALERT! here comes the over share, so if the drivel is already too much, sign off now! i won't take offense- this is really for me anyway... i am having to spend time with myself. but you are a writer you say- yes i am. and sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. yesterday and this morning i had to put on some pretty heartless hip-hop music in order to keep the Hurricane Katrina of tears from flying out of my face. music has such an incredible effect on me- weeping, grieving, finding myself back at square one, albeit with better tools than the last time i was here, but alone again, naturally.

and it's all good. i can do this- it's just the pain being so intense as to have crumbling to the ground weeping like i lost not one but both of my dogs. and i didn't. what i have gained is an opportunity to keep my word to myself about my writing, to get my home and heart and head in order. to heal myself and to try again. to really become the person i want to be with- both in myself as well as the one i want to attract to strike up this partnership- because truth be told, underneath it all- on the market today i am no prize.

i'm not losing anything- i am lucky enough to have one of the best friends ever. he is really a giving, lovely, true, brave man who loves me dearly- i am also lucky that he brought enough honesty and boundaries to the table to keep both of us in line. the bratty sassy bitchy ungrateful part of me says- I DON'T WANT ANOTHER BEST FRIEND. but that's a lie- i just wanted to meet my travel companion, my creative partner. he can be those things too, he just can't be my boyfriend. it's cool. i get it.

listening and hearing the universe daily

i sometimes think that i understand what the universe is trying to get me to do. but how come i don't do it? aren't i the bravest strongest most courageous woman i know? don't i go for what life offers without hesitating? so what is up with being the person who has to miss my favorite people? it's been nearly 10 years now since i've been the person who sends folks on their way. no, scratch that, reverse it - i have ALWAYS been the one shipping them off. i was 16 and dropping my cousin off at the induction center when he went into to the Navy. Racing down highway 80 to drop Danielle at SFO was the first of now impossible to count bon voyages... so many friends making grand moves - at least from my little tiny view here in Richmond.

i ask myself- i have been asked- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN RICHMOND? i finally heard it recently- there is so much pain here. i want out. being here i have dug a hole of debt as a bad side of be here now to anesthetize myself from the sharper edges of my reality. for so many it's the bay area and it is and has everything and why would you want to leave? for me- i cannot let my daughter grow up here- there is so much here but there is something that i need to move on and away from - somethings i need to grow up and out from- feeling like i am a weed that is bursting from between the cracks in the cement- maybe now i am at least a dandelion and soon- my timeline is within the year- a parachute ball who will relocate via the wind to the place that is right for us.

i know i cannot go anywhere- i know where i want to go- i want to go somewhere and not run from anywhere. in order to do this i must stay the course and clean up here- clean up my house in order to be able to move on with a clean slate. i have avoided this so intensely for such a time now and meanwhile the carousel doesn't stop- time keeps on slipping into the future. i feel like a walking ampersand- twisted up, trying to move forward, balancing on a straight line. for a while today it seemed so doable! and now another piece of my heart is getting a passport stamped.

nobody is more excited than me for the people i love to go where they can thrive and live to their fullest. i just need to get on with my shit. i need to get on with my dreams- i need to listen to the universe every single day. i need to hear the universe telling me to take care of my business, to not be distracted or allow myself to veer away from making each moment count toward manifesting the reality i want and frankly demand for my daughter.

final thought before, maybe it will be happen when i demand it for me...

personal parenting revolution by way of Tehran via twitter

i admit that i don't pay nearly as much attention as i should or as much as i want to. today i was nearly swept away by a hormonal, stressed out, pressurized day. then i saw tweet after tweet and shades of green emerging from cracks in the graphics and damn if it didn't hit me like a brick- what do you really have to cry about?

• missing somebody you knew you would be forced to miss? a circumstance you signed on for? at least you know you are loved- get over it. move on through please.
• wanting space and your house to be perfect and clean and organized? at least you have a space and people who love you to occupy it. move on through please.
• stressed about bills? about credit card debt? this falls under super duh. everybody is, you signed up for it and well at least you can change it over time. the resources are available. move on through please.
• feeling pressure about creative projects? this may be the biggest duh of all. beware what you ask for. so many have worked so hard and can't get their work read or even recognized. be grateful. know this is when you prevail. move on through please.

and i see so much this that and the other about the revolution in Iran. stuff like this...

are parent you know how hard it is to be away from a injured child

but her life is more important than my life and putting her in dange is not what i want if you
she is very scared now i am sure she hates gunfire and darkness
i just want to hold her again to kiss her forehead ..to be free with her...to see her run free in the park
we students do not chant death to america we want american constitution
ok so i know my daughters safe..

i read these and it brings tears to my eyes. to imagine not only is the stability of the world around you disintegrating in a tangible way, but your ability to protect and care for your children is diluted if not removed. but what choice do you have, do we all have when presented with the opportunity, as human beings, parents and citizens of integrity-- but to participate in the process that demands the world progress. this is the very key to being a pro-active, loving and strong parent. you must march in the streets if that is what the day calls for- or at least go out and vote. this is why i vote in person and always take Xoxa with me. i let her hold the purple marker and feel like she is helping me to make the informed choice about our future. people are dying for this today. it is a sin or crime if you will of the highest order to take this for granted.

your children do as you do. go green and god bless the people on the ground.

get outta your mind

this is something that has plagued me for going on forever. to get out of my head. well i'm a writer- does writing count as being in your head? i'm also feeling hormonal and nervous about a big deadline- the nervousness only creeps up when i am forced to sit alone with it, when i am  on the verge of the big things i dream about day and day out. i think that this is one of a million things that makes me one of those writers who would definitely pick another vocation were it feasible. 

but instead of writing and hunkering down with the ideas and letting the creative juices flow i get caught up in personal drama. certain to keep myself asking questions and not trying to make giant life changes or anything...stuff like maybe i could take a trip abroad to...or am i really getting what i want and need out of this relationship- is it even a relationship? why do i feel so lonesome i could cry and neglected? will i grow old alone? am i unloveable? am i going to be able to live here for another year and half or so? how soon can i get out of the Bay Area where there is so much pain to be tolerated and forgiven? 

i think a nap is in order. i spent 2 delicious days in Disneyland with Xoxa and my dad, i also got to see Erykah Badu last night with one of my oldest best friends ever. i love seeing her - so many of the lyrics are really or at least seem to be directed right at me. crazy scary cool. but right now i don't want to be free so i hang on, my heart flapping nervous and deflated inside my chest. the only thing to keep me going is knowing it won't always be like this.

doing the same things

as a writer i am always keen for clever wordplay and phrasing. social network tools bring me any number of inspirational passages on a daily basis. 

Rev. Run from RUN-DMC today tweeted "you cannot change what you do not confront" or some such. 

there is also a recent fave, source unknown- if you keep doing the same things, that's what you get. 

i want to confront the choices i make. i want to not only make better choices but determine why i am making the choices i am so i can keep improving. 

one of the potential pitfalls of living in the town you grew up in and reuniting with folks from lives past is that i risk repeating and then potentially maintaining unhealthy patterns- like drinking too much. a lot of the people i used to drink too much with are still doing the same things, or things that simply do not interest me. for me these are folks who are washed up on an urban or worse suburban shore like the bottles they emptied to get there. i have already done all of this and it didn't serve me or help me to grow and progress the first time- i am not interested in hangover, wash, and repeat. 

so what do you do with your time as an adult who craves to have their ego stroked? well i also have to actively refuse this spiritual masturbation and dig deeper into my self- i have to get to the emotional blackhole and fill it up. figure out what i am missing. inevitably i am missing something to fill that little coin pocket of myself up with- liquor and attention are good bandages but in the end superficial and no better than Cinderella's night at the ball. 

rather i am choosing to explore the questions and be creative. to mandate time to create and get that stuff out rather than squelch it with artificial substances that merely prolong the agony of the process of growth. 

i am feeling the fear and doing it anyway. going to enjoy music - and not drinking- seeing what is really out there by taking my girl-scout-cookie-goggles off, what do these folks really look like? what am i really missing? aren't my late 30's for doing something else with my time? digging in instead of going out? 

everybody else seems to enjoy time with me- i need to learn to do the same thing. 

worn down- wanna get it up & get it on

days keep coming. i am happy about that. life itself though, with me at the wheel, has just been feeling so, well, i want to simplify and downsize and slow things down but it just keeps coming at me.
in watching my darling magic daughter Xoxai see how i am. i am a slow poke. i am intense and not so easy going. i am specifically the way i am for no good reason.
the fact is that i have been not only caring for a sick 4 year old since Xmas but i have been sick myself. it's a life period when I just cannot seem to get my mojo up. i am a driven, determined indominable person who will win. i'm just so bloody worn down, spread thin and pulled in opposing directions that i am finding it difficult to get it up and get it on. i like to pull not this keep on pushing. exhausted. constantly toxified. just not healthy. is something in my house making me sick?
i just want out. i just want to change things. i am craving a reinvention. the plans are in place but somehow i can't find the keys to start myself. am i not centered? are there too many things in waiting for my attention? how much of the global downer vibe is contributing? how to get back to myself, take care of business and own this life of mine. until the keys come out of hiding, i'm going to keep on pushing...

back in the game

wow. i just don't know how the rockstar bloggers do it. especially those who are keeping up with so much technology, trends and the lot. touting myself as a strategist, the biz cards do say words and strategy-- perhaps keeping my mouth shut is a bit of advice here but well...here goes nothing.

keeping busy not getting much done. consistently allowing my brain to pulled thread bare and drift off to wherever my hear takes me. then using all of might like a child straining to pick up an adult, to wrangle it all in-- i know all of the answers- that is to the things that plague me- but i consistently allow myself to be scared by the bogey man! as if admitting that there is no Cupid will ruin the rest of the days i have on earth. what's this all about? Alfie?

if only i could remember that there are perfectly good reasons, explanations for inconsistencies and that i need not blow on everybody else's food all the time. rather take care of my own plate and enjoy the moments i share with everyone else at my table. yes ma'am, that's me- always all ways way too thin. not just spread but sprinkled. like glitter- seemingly impossible to gather up all of the pieces. when it is so spread out you can't see or appreciate and marvel at the shine. not to mention it's a giveaway and folks don't find value in something that is free.

so here i am trying desperately to get my shit together in so many ways. to bring it all home, take care of me and mine first : by eating well- walking my talk. i have managed to motivate and inspire those closest to me to not only look at themselves but to effect change- here i sit getting over another cold and not sitting on the yoga bum that i want. to be creative- i keep talking about being a writer of so many things but how much do i really dedicate to it? i am simply not applying enough bum glue (it really is about getting my ass in gear isn't it?) instead of taking care of my own task sheets i flit around like Tinkerbell making sure that everybody i care about has a huge smile becasuse of me- not to impress them so much but because it makes me feel good- why not make myself feel good too? or rather first-- this includes re-programming myself and learning from updated / new training media-- but hey, what doesn't? i predict another duh- it feels good, and even better i can shoot my pixie dust gun without any remorse or repressing those things that go undone, pile up and cost me extra time, money and braindings in the end.

for me it's always been incorporating exercise, striking an effective financial plan and being creative on a regular basis. something about these- engaging with myself on a meaningful level in these areas-- is terrifying. i give it all away so there isn't much left to address these- not even minimum daily requirements-- no wonder i am sick so much. here it comes, i can't even duck to avoid it- it's another big fat DUH.

long story short- i don't take care of myself or my shit and i pay for it and don't feel centered, grounded or as strong as i need to let alone want to. i have all of the tools- they are just scattered around, hidden behind so many things that need to get caught up, taken care of and maintained. organization would help too, a real luxury considering some of the 'controlled chaos' that i am operating under now and for a while.

i do take heart in the fact that i am not alone, aspects of this are symptomatic of our culture and i am a single mom living some real big dreams. well, too bad. it must be done and there ain't no stoppin' us now- we're on the move!
signing off- I win and will be back soon.